freedom breedom

today i wait, and pretend and look as if i am busy, look as if i am catching the deepest pulse of things, as if i am somehow saturated in the integrity of this place.  but let's be honest, i'm only moving for the dollar, for the dollar so i can keep moving.  was it in my power to escape the rat race?  is it in my power still?  from a place of comfort and employment i venture to the ledge and wonder what it would feel like to jump off, to end in free fall, to feel free and know that any moment i would be obliterated, shattered into a billion, billion tiny molecules collapsed and taken back to the bitty bits from whence i cam.  and yes, can't we be obliterated here, on this ledge?  on this solid ground?  caught up in a landslide, broadsided by a car or my personal favorite, combustion from within, a heart attack, lung failure, a sudden giving up without the intending to give up?  of course i'm afraid to jump.  i watch those beautiful bodies of friends i know flying through the air and wishing to be one but not and cannot.  cannot?  will not.  will not?  will, yes, but not.  confusing isn't it?