Disintegration part 1

“Stop!” her hand is on my knee, pushing down until my heel is forced to the floor.

“You know I can’t stand when you do that” she whispers between clenched teeth.  I look out the window; the green hills flow away from us like mermaids swimming, green backs arching and then disappearing into the metal frame.  There is freedom and there is distance, there is the cage and there are the mermaids. “Why do you do it?”  Everything is a metaphor in our marriage, a billion bridges from one thing to something else.  She looks at me, her eyes fierce as to say, “Nothing else matters so long as you answer this question correctly we can go on living together.”  Living.  Of course, we haven’t truly lived in ten years.  I know the answer; I’m supposed to smile, take her hand into mine and tell her I didn’t know and that I would quit right now just for her.  I should.  What could one more lie do?  Our whole relationship slept soundly on a bed of lies.

“Because it bugs you.”  My Id shouted.  I never had a big prick and perhaps that is why she is so unhappy, in fact, I don’t have a big anything, not big ambitions or dreams, not a big ego, not a big chest and certainly not a big bank account.  I don’t know why she married such a modest man.  I just assumed she wanted someone who, when the end came, would be easy to consume, a weak one who wouldn’t put up a fight and a little fatty so the taste would be better.  When the apocalypse comes and all the animals are gone, you’re going to have to eat your spouse.  I would not put up a fight because I always believed that my life would be short and unremarkable.  Not all colors can be bright.  

“Hills, they turn their backs.”  I said ignoring her question, “Hills the color of mermaids”.  “Hills?  What the hell do hills have to do with this?”

“We’re losing…”  I drop off because it isn’t worth trying to explain something she can no longer understand.  I try again, “What I’m missing…” I turn my face from the window and back into her eyes, metal lids closing me off.  “Life” I say finally. 

“I want a divorce” she replies.