Last Day

Perhaps it all coincided with my final day of work.  Finally I would be leaving PTA, something I had dreamt about for nearly two years.  However, rather than feeling free, I felt heavy and at odds with myself.  Perhaps it was because my schedule was changing, there would no longer be a routine and therefore, as is the case with the breaking of any cycle, there would be a greater degree of uncertainty.  And while this was true, the greater sadness came in the missing.  I was going to miss working there and not just because I didn’t have a reliable schedule.  Of course, I didn’t want to say it out loud, to admit that PTA had some affect on me that was anything other than frustrating.  But yes, I was getting sentimental.    

It’s difficult to explain but fairly easy to understand.  I wish I could say I happily shed PTA like some hot and restrictive coat, but the fact was, while often times hot and restrictive, PTA had clothed me in a way.  It gave me something to do, reliably for ten hours (twelve if you count the commute) a day Monday through Thursday, I befriended many of my co-workers and even loved a few, it gave me perspective.  It was a big part of my life.  In a matter of ten hours, all that I worked at, all the certainty that came with the routine, the familiar jokes and comforting faces would be gone.  Yes, I will miss it.  Yes, I am happy for the experience.  Yes, I will never forget this place and I hold no ill feelings toward it or anyone who works there. 

 They say in death a person becomes more calm and accepting.  The hope is that you look back on your life with gratitude and look at the people who have affected your life with kindness.  I suppose making a big shift in your life is its own kind of end; you remember those things coming to an end with gratitude, remember people with kindness.  I am shocked at my reaction.  I am scared.  I want to leave and yet I want to hold onto so many things.  But that’s the thing about change: you can’t hold everything and everyone as it is and as they are because nothing is meant to stay, things must change, it’s a law that cannot be broken.  Nothing remains, not even ourselves.

I know I will have to make way for new adventures, new people, new tasks, new triumphs and frustrations and I am scared but I am also excited.  What does remain is my earnest gratitude. Thank you PTA for all that you’ve given me, lessons I’ve learned, people I’ve met, many beautiful skies to hold in my mind.  What a good journey it has been.