“Stop!” her hand is on my knee, pushing down until my heel
is forced to the floor.
“You know I can’t stand when you do that” she whispers
between clenched teeth. I look out the window;
the green hills flow away from us like mermaids swimming, green backs arching
and then disappearing into the metal frame.
There is freedom and there is distance, there is the cage and there are
the mermaids. “Why do you do it?”
Everything is a metaphor in our marriage, a billion bridges from one
thing to something else. She looks at
me, her eyes fierce as to say, “Nothing else matters so long as you answer this
question correctly we can go on living together.” Living.
Of course, we haven’t truly lived in ten years. I know the answer; I’m supposed to smile,
take her hand into mine and tell her I didn’t know and that I would quit right
now just for her. I should. What could one more lie do? Our whole relationship slept soundly on a bed
of lies.
“Because it bugs you.”
My Id shouted. I never had a big
prick and perhaps that is why she is so unhappy, in fact, I don’t have a big
anything, not big ambitions or dreams, not a big ego, not a big chest and
certainly not a big bank account. I don’t
know why she married such a modest man. I
just assumed she wanted someone who, when the end came, would be easy to
consume, a weak one who wouldn’t put up a fight and a little fatty so the taste
would be better. When the apocalypse
comes and all the animals are gone, you’re going to have to eat your
spouse. I would not put up a fight
because I always believed that my life would be short and unremarkable. Not all colors can be bright.
“Hills, they turn their
backs.” I said ignoring her question, “Hills
the color of mermaids”. “Hills? What the hell do hills have to do with this?”
“We’re losing…” I
drop off because it isn’t worth trying to explain something she can no longer
understand. I try again, “What I’m
missing…” I turn my face from the window and back into her eyes, metal lids
closing me off. “Life” I say
finally.
“I want a divorce” she replies.
