i am sitting in my house and it's pitch black. i have all the lights off to hide the fact that i'm awake. i fly out to boston tomorrow and i'm a mixed bag of emotions. part of me is excited to be starting something new and to be meeting new people, but most of me, at least right now, is sad. i'm sad that i'll be leaving people i love so much, people that i trust and i feel secure around. i am going to miss that security. but i know i will always carry the love, no matter how far i go.
i can tell this transition is going to be a tough one. i don't feel very prepared, rather, i feel swept up quickly, too quickly, into this new direction. i think about how many things i'm leaving to chance--do i have enough clothes? i'll get the remainder in MA. will my friend remember to pick me up? i sure hope so. will i be able to handle the severe lack of personal space? i'm going to have to. but then i think, nothing is forced upon me. that is to say, if, for some reason, this turns out to be a bust, i can always get out of it. geez, i'm nervous. i've gotten so used to living here that i'm worried about lay ahead. i don't want to leave my mother. i know that makes me sound like a baby, but it's true. my mom is my best friend. she makes me laugh when no one else can. i feel like mighty mouse when i'm with my mom, i can do anything. but i know deep down inside mom wants me to go too. she knows its what's best.
well i can only hope for the best for those i love and for myself. i have faith that i'll be taken care of and i must trust in that faith. i'm going to miss everyone here so much words cannot describe. until i'm back, i'll keep writing. i love my family.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
2008 in a blog-shell
as my flight out day approaches, i am beginning to think about everything that has been this year. zen masters tell you not to mill over the past, but i think they are overlooking the benefits of examining the past. i learn from what i have done. i am thankful for what has happened before because it has brought me here. a dwelling on the past may not be healthy, but a glance back is important. i need to remember where i came from so i am prepared for where i'm going.
2008 has been a very eventful year full of summits of happiness and enlightenment and valleys of saddness and confusion. i feel i have learned so much in 2008, much more than i could have ever imagined at the end of 2007. unfortunately, words cannot express all the emotions, the highs and lows, the discoveries and harsh realities that i found in the expansive 365 days of 2008 but i would like to highlight a few, to pay homage to them:
January 2008: i boarded a plane in a wheelchair with my reconstructed knee. i was placed in a large compartment cage and lifted via FORK LIFT into the plane. i felt that i must have weighed 600 pounds or something. i made it across the continent to Portland, ME, where my friend Kim picked me up and even confronted a confused Colby girl who almost took my luggage thinking it was hers.
February 2008: i put on my ipod and walked down to physical therapy every mon, wed and friday. some days it was blizzarding and i had to walk really, really slow. i learned patience. in fact, my knee reminded me that i couldn't do everything, and that sometimes i needed help. i am so thankful for my parents who cared for me in my weakest moments and my friends in Maine who hung out with me and would walk slow even though it was freezing outside.
March 2008: my thesis was due soon, in fact, at first it was supposed to be in by March but i had structural and theoretical problems. my advisor seemed uncaring and i felt alone with this project. but i never was. i wrote to ma and she read it and offered me much needed insight. i talked for hours on the phone with mom about it and she let me vent all my frustrations. molly proofread a chapter or two. kim took me out to much needed beers at grittys and the nash folks always gave me something to laugh about.
April 2008: i turned in my thesis and everyone was happy for me :) i called my folks and i could feel their positive energy. molly, erin, jan and i went to acadia national park and it was so breathtaking. i stood out on the rocks as the atlantic rushed to my feet and backed away again. continuous ebb and flow. i felt so light in that moment, so connected to everything, whisked away by the greatness of this life. pure happiness.
May 2008: my parents came up to Maine and mom and i put our feet in the atlantic at the same time! we got lost driving around a reservoir, ate a delicious dinner at Grittys pub, i graduated with honors-cum laude, we flew back on the same plane to hawaii--an unprecedented trip. we went to the large LL Bean and listened to hawaiian music in the rental car. i was happy my parents got to see the beautiful state i had been living in for the past 3 years.
June 2008: i left for Kodiak Alaska and met my co-worker Celeste for the first time. I had to pack all my things the mile to the cabin by myself with no help from my co-workers. I felt fairly alone. but i also danced on hill tops and sang to the trees at the top of my lungs. i got lost on my way back up from the saltwater trail and ended up hiking in high traffic bear territory. i thought i was going to die as my foot landed directly instead a fresh bear print. i scrambled up huge hills (mountains really) covered in thornbushes and pushski (sp?). i remember seeing the top of the outhouse and thinking i would never not appreciate an outhouse again.
July 2008: moved camp to telrod cove where i met some of the most colorful characters i've ever met. the 4th of july did not disappoint. i had steak and crab and salad and hot toddies with jim the skipper from the lady ashley. jim has a whiskey voice, raspy and slurred and his deckhands are equally interesting one has a glass eye, the other is scrawny and indian, and of course his son the skiff man. i lit off a bottle rocket in my hand and it back fired and seared my eyelashes together and burnt my eyelid something fierce. i was lucky i didn't go blind.
August 2008: my will was becoming weak. I only had a few days left in telrod. we broke down our camp and boarded a small seining boat and traveled the 10 or so hours around the island to get back to kodiak town. the trip was rough and i was lucky i had some bonine to hold off the sea sickness. getting back into town, i worked for the hatchery. i met laura there and we became really good friends. i also became good friends with a float plane pilot named josh. we would go out for drinks and sing karaoke and have wine dinner parties at the bunkhouse. i was also sent out to saltry field camp where i saw lots of bears and a buffalo. i seined up sockeye salmon and went silver salmon fishing in the river. i also met byron there and he showed me how awesome it is to fall asleep to stand-up comedy on the radio.
September 2008: i return to the warmth of hawaii and my family. i go to maui to watch aunty ua's hula competition and the mens' dance brings me to tears. i also go with aunty nahele to aunty ua's dinner gathering that night and have a wonderful time getting to know everyone. always different people in my life, all unique and beautiful in their own way. i am home for mom's birthday for the first time in 4 years--one of my greatest highlights.
October 2008: i struggle to find a job. i am feeling the harsh truth of the real world. i apply to many places only to be turned down. i felt pretty down that i had this degree and desire to work and no one would hire me. i battled with what to do with my down time and tried to put together some sort of plan for my life. i went down to starbucks and asked for an application. wouldn't you know it, they just so happened to be doing open interviews that day, and i went down and spoke to my boss michelle for the first time. there was some confusion later that week as to whether or not i actually got the job (the story is chronicled in the blog entitled "starshucks: my quick brush with employment). ultimately, i was offered the job and began to work in the latter part of october. it was difficult as i was new and felt somewhat useless and everyone else seemed to be so absorbed with the co-workers they already knew. i also had a stacy "the five-headed dragon" moment, which i have yet to chronicle.
November 2008: i became much better at my job and started to really befriend some folks at starbucks. i began to hang out with amanda and kaitlyn and sydney. amanda and kaitlyn ended up becoming really good friends and because they are both from maine, we have already discussed meeting up in the future. i found a connection with several other ladies there and have since promised to send the store a post card or two. another HUGE highlight of my year was getting to spend thanksgiving with ma, papa, mom, aunty ua, aunty nahele, little man :), bryce, and uncle jon. i LOVE thanksgiving; it is by far my favorite holiday. we had a blast dancing to the black eyed peas "my humps". ma gave us beautiful, touching words that i will carry with me forever. when my will gets weak, i will look upon those words and know that i have so much strength and love behind me that i could never truly fall. i also got to celebrate ma's birthday with her which was also very very FUN. ma and i got pierced together, because we are that cool :) i love our relationship! we watched Australia which was a beautiful movie and we shopped around for some thanksgiving day prizes.
December 2008: i got to spend christmas with mom and dad and we went down to the beach. mom and i played talk show host and told fantastical stories about our imaginary lives. i got to go to mom's christmas party which was fun. my favorite part was getting to dance with mom; i felt so cool. i don't know if you knew this, but mom is a really good dancer. :) i had some fun moments with amanda and kaitlyn including a very heart warming going away dinner. i got to see jodie for a day and i even, by chance, ran across ishael hills. it was crazy, but so lovely to see her again. it felt like three years ago, but then again, it didn't. now i'm here, sitting in this chair thinking, "wow, what a year!" and that was only a few of the highlights. it's amazing to think of all that happens in a year, all there is to be thankful for, all that has been learned, all the struggles that have enlighted me, all the ways i've grown. life is truly remarkable.
2008 has been a very eventful year full of summits of happiness and enlightenment and valleys of saddness and confusion. i feel i have learned so much in 2008, much more than i could have ever imagined at the end of 2007. unfortunately, words cannot express all the emotions, the highs and lows, the discoveries and harsh realities that i found in the expansive 365 days of 2008 but i would like to highlight a few, to pay homage to them:
January 2008: i boarded a plane in a wheelchair with my reconstructed knee. i was placed in a large compartment cage and lifted via FORK LIFT into the plane. i felt that i must have weighed 600 pounds or something. i made it across the continent to Portland, ME, where my friend Kim picked me up and even confronted a confused Colby girl who almost took my luggage thinking it was hers.
February 2008: i put on my ipod and walked down to physical therapy every mon, wed and friday. some days it was blizzarding and i had to walk really, really slow. i learned patience. in fact, my knee reminded me that i couldn't do everything, and that sometimes i needed help. i am so thankful for my parents who cared for me in my weakest moments and my friends in Maine who hung out with me and would walk slow even though it was freezing outside.
March 2008: my thesis was due soon, in fact, at first it was supposed to be in by March but i had structural and theoretical problems. my advisor seemed uncaring and i felt alone with this project. but i never was. i wrote to ma and she read it and offered me much needed insight. i talked for hours on the phone with mom about it and she let me vent all my frustrations. molly proofread a chapter or two. kim took me out to much needed beers at grittys and the nash folks always gave me something to laugh about.
April 2008: i turned in my thesis and everyone was happy for me :) i called my folks and i could feel their positive energy. molly, erin, jan and i went to acadia national park and it was so breathtaking. i stood out on the rocks as the atlantic rushed to my feet and backed away again. continuous ebb and flow. i felt so light in that moment, so connected to everything, whisked away by the greatness of this life. pure happiness.
May 2008: my parents came up to Maine and mom and i put our feet in the atlantic at the same time! we got lost driving around a reservoir, ate a delicious dinner at Grittys pub, i graduated with honors-cum laude, we flew back on the same plane to hawaii--an unprecedented trip. we went to the large LL Bean and listened to hawaiian music in the rental car. i was happy my parents got to see the beautiful state i had been living in for the past 3 years.
June 2008: i left for Kodiak Alaska and met my co-worker Celeste for the first time. I had to pack all my things the mile to the cabin by myself with no help from my co-workers. I felt fairly alone. but i also danced on hill tops and sang to the trees at the top of my lungs. i got lost on my way back up from the saltwater trail and ended up hiking in high traffic bear territory. i thought i was going to die as my foot landed directly instead a fresh bear print. i scrambled up huge hills (mountains really) covered in thornbushes and pushski (sp?). i remember seeing the top of the outhouse and thinking i would never not appreciate an outhouse again.
July 2008: moved camp to telrod cove where i met some of the most colorful characters i've ever met. the 4th of july did not disappoint. i had steak and crab and salad and hot toddies with jim the skipper from the lady ashley. jim has a whiskey voice, raspy and slurred and his deckhands are equally interesting one has a glass eye, the other is scrawny and indian, and of course his son the skiff man. i lit off a bottle rocket in my hand and it back fired and seared my eyelashes together and burnt my eyelid something fierce. i was lucky i didn't go blind.
August 2008: my will was becoming weak. I only had a few days left in telrod. we broke down our camp and boarded a small seining boat and traveled the 10 or so hours around the island to get back to kodiak town. the trip was rough and i was lucky i had some bonine to hold off the sea sickness. getting back into town, i worked for the hatchery. i met laura there and we became really good friends. i also became good friends with a float plane pilot named josh. we would go out for drinks and sing karaoke and have wine dinner parties at the bunkhouse. i was also sent out to saltry field camp where i saw lots of bears and a buffalo. i seined up sockeye salmon and went silver salmon fishing in the river. i also met byron there and he showed me how awesome it is to fall asleep to stand-up comedy on the radio.
September 2008: i return to the warmth of hawaii and my family. i go to maui to watch aunty ua's hula competition and the mens' dance brings me to tears. i also go with aunty nahele to aunty ua's dinner gathering that night and have a wonderful time getting to know everyone. always different people in my life, all unique and beautiful in their own way. i am home for mom's birthday for the first time in 4 years--one of my greatest highlights.
October 2008: i struggle to find a job. i am feeling the harsh truth of the real world. i apply to many places only to be turned down. i felt pretty down that i had this degree and desire to work and no one would hire me. i battled with what to do with my down time and tried to put together some sort of plan for my life. i went down to starbucks and asked for an application. wouldn't you know it, they just so happened to be doing open interviews that day, and i went down and spoke to my boss michelle for the first time. there was some confusion later that week as to whether or not i actually got the job (the story is chronicled in the blog entitled "starshucks: my quick brush with employment). ultimately, i was offered the job and began to work in the latter part of october. it was difficult as i was new and felt somewhat useless and everyone else seemed to be so absorbed with the co-workers they already knew. i also had a stacy "the five-headed dragon" moment, which i have yet to chronicle.
November 2008: i became much better at my job and started to really befriend some folks at starbucks. i began to hang out with amanda and kaitlyn and sydney. amanda and kaitlyn ended up becoming really good friends and because they are both from maine, we have already discussed meeting up in the future. i found a connection with several other ladies there and have since promised to send the store a post card or two. another HUGE highlight of my year was getting to spend thanksgiving with ma, papa, mom, aunty ua, aunty nahele, little man :), bryce, and uncle jon. i LOVE thanksgiving; it is by far my favorite holiday. we had a blast dancing to the black eyed peas "my humps". ma gave us beautiful, touching words that i will carry with me forever. when my will gets weak, i will look upon those words and know that i have so much strength and love behind me that i could never truly fall. i also got to celebrate ma's birthday with her which was also very very FUN. ma and i got pierced together, because we are that cool :) i love our relationship! we watched Australia which was a beautiful movie and we shopped around for some thanksgiving day prizes.
December 2008: i got to spend christmas with mom and dad and we went down to the beach. mom and i played talk show host and told fantastical stories about our imaginary lives. i got to go to mom's christmas party which was fun. my favorite part was getting to dance with mom; i felt so cool. i don't know if you knew this, but mom is a really good dancer. :) i had some fun moments with amanda and kaitlyn including a very heart warming going away dinner. i got to see jodie for a day and i even, by chance, ran across ishael hills. it was crazy, but so lovely to see her again. it felt like three years ago, but then again, it didn't. now i'm here, sitting in this chair thinking, "wow, what a year!" and that was only a few of the highlights. it's amazing to think of all that happens in a year, all there is to be thankful for, all that has been learned, all the struggles that have enlighted me, all the ways i've grown. life is truly remarkable.
Friday, December 26, 2008
to whom it may concern
to whom it may concern:
nothing too dramatic,
no overdose of symbolism,
no pathetic metaphor or sickening simile,
just this,
plain and simple
text.
lines for the sake of lines,
poetry for the sake of sound,
lead wasted on rough paper.
just this,
sand swept across lines,
off seawall knees
covered in scars
from where we fell
across days,
collapsing into months,
without saying anything,
instead saying nothing,
for the sake of loving
there was a storm coming,
the waves were getting loud and careless.
i don't remember a sun
or a moon
only the blaring heat at the back of my neck,
at the back of my throat.
throwing our bodies around
hoping to come together...again
violently, or peacefully,
it didn't matter
so long as we were close, crashing,
we couldn't lose one another
backs arching and falling,
spines swirling, sand shifting,
sweaty earth sliding through my
clenched fists,
eternal ebbing of our everything
and nothing
but i've done it again,
looked back,
dramatically frolicking in my own
wind-swept memories,
remembering the grains
between my toes,
remembering sweeping kisses
from my knees,
remembering that i
i had something,
plain and simple,
when i said nothing,
and everything,
was understood.
nothing too dramatic,
no overdose of symbolism,
no pathetic metaphor or sickening simile,
just this,
plain and simple
text.
lines for the sake of lines,
poetry for the sake of sound,
lead wasted on rough paper.
just this,
sand swept across lines,
off seawall knees
covered in scars
from where we fell
across days,
collapsing into months,
without saying anything,
instead saying nothing,
for the sake of loving
there was a storm coming,
the waves were getting loud and careless.
i don't remember a sun
or a moon
only the blaring heat at the back of my neck,
at the back of my throat.
throwing our bodies around
hoping to come together...again
violently, or peacefully,
it didn't matter
so long as we were close, crashing,
we couldn't lose one another
backs arching and falling,
spines swirling, sand shifting,
sweaty earth sliding through my
clenched fists,
eternal ebbing of our everything
and nothing
but i've done it again,
looked back,
dramatically frolicking in my own
wind-swept memories,
remembering the grains
between my toes,
remembering sweeping kisses
from my knees,
remembering that i
i had something,
plain and simple,
when i said nothing,
and everything,
was understood.
Monday, December 15, 2008
aluring moon
the moon looks like where i'm going.
i look at the moon that looks at me
bright and wide, never blinking, only
careening toward
me and then
catching my breath as it backs way into the night.
the moon looks like where i'm going.
i contemplate my place that has been
cast out by the moon's light
fixing me in strobe-like beauty
on this earth and
i wonder why
the moon looks like where i'm going.
i am reminded of where i've been
locking eyes with this incandescent, otherwordly lure
and drawn up by my solar plexus until
a tap on the shoulder or
a red light or a kiss
brings me back down again.
the moon feels like where i'm going.
i will fly way in the night
rap with the stars and stare
unblinking into the moon.
i hear the call to come home
yes, the moon feels like where i'm going.
i look at the moon that looks at me
bright and wide, never blinking, only
careening toward
me and then
catching my breath as it backs way into the night.
the moon looks like where i'm going.
i contemplate my place that has been
cast out by the moon's light
fixing me in strobe-like beauty
on this earth and
i wonder why
the moon looks like where i'm going.
i am reminded of where i've been
locking eyes with this incandescent, otherwordly lure
and drawn up by my solar plexus until
a tap on the shoulder or
a red light or a kiss
brings me back down again.
the moon feels like where i'm going.
i will fly way in the night
rap with the stars and stare
unblinking into the moon.
i hear the call to come home
yes, the moon feels like where i'm going.
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