2012 In a Blogshell

I feel as if I have some explaining to do.  It's been so long since my last post and even I am a little uncertain  of whether or not I can materialize sentences.  I'll try to explain a little, and I'll try very hard to make sense.  2012 in a blogshell

January:  Spent New Years eve with my grandparents drinking screw drivers on their balcony in Kaumana city while fireworks took off from coconut island in downtown Hilo.  It was a magical moment and i thought of how many new years they had brought in together and how many new years they had seen separately and i wondered how many new years i was going to see and who i was going to spend those years with.  went on a fishing trip with my parents, a private charter out of kailua kona.  dad caught a 200 plus pound marlin.  he was so happy; i haven't seen him so happy in a while.  Work lumbered along as usual.  i was still having difficulty with my co-leader but i tried to keep my head up.  the entire NRO (natural resource office) will be re-locating into nicer, newer buildings.  begin prepping buildings, cleaning, sanding, painting.

February:  writing and biking consume most of my time.  i'm thinking about graduate school but i haven't worked out what i want to go for.  i sign up for an online class as a perk from my employer.  at first i really enjoy it--gender and communication-- and i work really hard on the assignments.  it feels good to be working my mind in this manner once again.  going to the hilo public library alot.  checking out music and books.  getting into my writing.  met an intriguing female graduate student.

March:  Spend dad's birthday with him.  still writing.  still thinking about graduate school.  Trying to make it through work.  it seems to be getting a little worse some days, a little better on others.  getting closer with one of my co-worker.  one of my closest friends at work gets fired.  i feel lost and without an ally.  I hit the front gate at work with one of the work trucks, leaving one of the biggest dents ever seen.  i feel really bad.  co-workers get together to plan a few beers after work to make me feel better.  budding romance?

April:  My birthday.  my parents take me to the Hilton where we spend the night and enjoy all the beauty of being pampered.  I'm a lucky kid.  Friend at work buys me a kickstand for my bike which was very thoughtful.  i am slowly getting friends at work and am able to make it through the hardships of my own crew.  Still writing and i have decided that i want to go to school for journalism.  every time work gets me down, i try to remember that it is all temporary and soon i'll be on my way to a new adventure. 

May:  make a year at PTA.  can't believe i've been there that long.  things are a little better as i am gaining a strong ally at work and finally the higher-ups are seeing my co-leader for who he is.  one of the botanists that i was be-friending quits.  have a going away party for her.  feeling are brought to light under a bright KTA store entrance sign.  biking in volcano and biking at south point. the first time i have ever been to south point. 

June:  begin work on installing furniture in new buildings.  long days but good company.  installers from California come over.  working on graduate school applications.  narrowing down my choices to U of OR, U of MT and U of CO.  a little less time writing as most of my attention is on my new "special" friend.  bike mana road.  what a blast!

July:  ink drawing birthday gift and strawberry shortcake.  lovely.  work is better though another favorite friend of mine quits.  i miss her terribly.  installing continues and the buildings are getting closer to being ready. camp at kiholo.  first time since i was a little kid.  love it and have a blast with my new partner in crime. 

August:  parents move and i help them.  i like their new place.  still working on graduate school applications.  lots of fun adventures in between--hiking and biking.  also stay at a hotel and have a lovely dinner at the blue dragon.  i am very happy.  one crew leader is out on worker's comp and the other is on vacation.  i am the sole crew leader and must run both crews.  i do a good job and things begin to turn around for me.  i feel respect from the crew. 

September:  Mom's birthday :)  and a trip to Maui.  very cool.  a little fuss over some late night partying but all in all a good time.  longest competition to date.  also dad gets surgery.  he comes out of it well and is walking around within hours of getting up.  mom and i enjoy a nice room that overlooks downtown oahu.  i get the employee of the month award and things are much better at work.  help build a big rock wall planter box.  it looks wonderful and also plant an herb garden.  

October:  some hardships.  a strain that has been getting more and more tense erupts in a snap.  it's over.  trust is broken.  i feel a little lost.  join a yoga class and seek out others to hang out with.  get lots of work done on the graduate school applications in the meantime. 

November:  my car breaks down and will cost too much to repair.  with the help of my dad i sell it to a mechanic and start looking for a new one.  i get a black VW beetle and i love it!  also camping trip with girls from work.  kiholo is beautiful, the trip is so much fun and i am so, so happy.  kayaking everyday and snorkeling.  BEAUTIFUL!  thanksgiving!  just the girls and papa this year.  it is very nice and we have lots of fun goofing around.  took ma to the artists' walk in volcano for her birthday.  lots of beautiful artwork.  she got a few pieces.  accidentally dropped some of her birthday money on the ground but luckily someone turned it in and we were able to pick it up.  Finish up my applications and await letters of recommendation to come in.  a rotten egg within our department at work is finally let go.  the program runs much smoother without him. 

December:  Marni visits me from New Hampshire.  we have a WONDERFUL week and a half together doing just about everything.  Stay at Hapuna cabins and snorkel, swim, tan and walk on the beach at night.  beautiful rising moon between tall palm trees.  volcano hiking and the tide pools at kapoho.  also hiking at pololu valley and kayaking around bayfront.  so much fun.  amanda comes to visit and volleyball on the beach and frisbee too.  christmas with the parents and also with my dear.  a very good end to the year. 

home

rest my head upon your chest
temple-heart
mine, yours.
feels like home-

less, i've been
temple-aches
with far away dreams
when i had a home
in you.

separation part I

The mark you left on my breast is fading,

this territory has been abandoned.
How long will you be gone? 
Forever.

The mark on myself is indelible, permanent, fixed.

skin is more resilient than the mind.
How long will you be here?
Forever.

Hunger

My thoughts roam

wild and willful
across your Serengeti. 
They crouch and creep
hungry for you. 
Camouflaged and cool
night
hot and haunted
day
they prae. 
My thoughts are hunting you.
Licking their chops
dying to consume you

so i shall

degrees of pressure
and the velocity of action 
with everything in perfect measure. 
you measure perfectly. 
and your touch,
that soft, soft thing you do,
that slow, soft thing you do--
pendulum swing swing back loop, looping orbit,
orbit
orbit around you--
is the reason.

the soft touch,
the suggestion
the pause
the articulation of godly things
in the opening
and closing of space
between one
and the other. 
the embrace,
the fine-tuned meditation
of the palpable vibrations of the other.
the suggestion and open ended sentences,
the ellipses...
the commas, and run-on, run-on, run-ons

tell me of your past
and your dreams for the future
write it on my skin
use different colors
and please mix up your metaphors.
i come for the images, the lights and shadows
the depths and shallows of your being
a bluesy roll, a tete a tete
that's what i'm getting at
a meeting of the minds as well as the
finger tips and toes and legs and torsos.

i want to study the grain of you
each grain
each wave
i want time
to contemplate the weight of you
and when it's impossible to pen
i want to lay with you in dumbstruck bliss.

strawberry

go tell lacy at the lake that all is lost.  the 'l's roll like beads of sweat down my back.  i've lost my place in line somehow and am now behind a little boy who has never had a real strawberry.  i worry that i'll collapse before this place does.  what more can i do?  how is it that you must earn more than 50,000 a year to taste a strawberry?  surely there are places in the jungle where they live without HDTV, where one might be able to hustle up a strawberry?  Lacy doesn't mind that i've lost everything, everything including my mind.  it's an empty cell here, crumbling walls with starving rats that will scurry away with any food i might have had for thought.

it's not all that bad when you forget what a day was like.  i vaguely remember the sunshine perfectly meditating with the clouds.  but the sun is gone and the days are set, perfectly, calibrated to promote the longest life possible.  but all is lost and lacy knows it.  we don't wear sunscreen anymore because we all have cancer.  it's good to start at the same place i suppose, no one ahead of anyone else.  except inequality hasn't changed much.  the boy has never had a real strawberry.  it is a foreign concept.  it's not the light pink he thought it was, and not as sweet.  he doesn't want the true essence.  he wants the distilled essence.  but it's not his fault, lacy will tell you, it's not his fault that he was born into a world already starving itself.  starving ourselves of true essence.  go tell lacy at the lake that all is lost.  i'm withdrawing my last American dollars.  i will find a park somewhere, because that's all that's left, little green squares of lawn we call parks and i will set myself on fire.  i will hold the dollars in my teeth.  i pray to whoever is listening that someone will give him a strawberry.

June First: Drawing Water

and what does it all mean anyway?  you above the fray, in the shadows, in the cool?  me in the heat, inside the sun wanting to lay in a soft bed but waiting.  waiting?  i'm exhausted, can you tell?  we are not similar nor are we close.  but you try.  and i try.  you've come quite a distance.  how kind.  now can we get some sleep?

***

i ask myself, where am i going?  am i the river rambling down the lane, rambling down the lane, rambling.  rambling.  such words invite ellipses.  i love ellipses.  if i could be  a mummy, i'd want a sarcophagus made of ellipses.  made of ellipses like running water, and the cascading of images onto a page beyond geometrical that it is geothermal, pulsing hot and echoing cool.  cool the pop of rock giving into perpetual motion.  per-pet-ual-mo-tion.  repetition, repetition, forever. 

what is any and all of this but nothing and sound?  mind sound that is melodic and magical.  a movement from the mundane is swept up in a helicopter's panting.  helicopter, helicopter way up in the sky, will you fall down?  down like water, rambling like pages of poetry pantomimed in paper notes, like wishes squeezed from a squealing child all flushed with the tickle of hide and seek?  i'm so surprised every time you're there for me.  presence is symmetry.  and delightful.  and novel.  every time a hand covers the frame. 

water from up.  water from down.  below and above ground.  in the sky.  a big cubic space of water.  all i hear is music.