Audrey

***

Gail left on a Friday when I was 8. She gave no reason, she gave no apology. It was supposed to be a three-day writer’s conference which turned into a nearly twenty-year haitus from my life. Sure, she called on my birthday and wished me Merry Christmas. She even wrote to me a few times. I guess I should feel privileged that the great writer Gail Barns bothered to pen me anything at all.

When Gail first left, dad was lost. He cried and pounded his fists on his thighs in anger. He walked around in a daze. Aaron, ever the jokester, tried to cheer him up with funny tales from school. Dad would always laugh and hug Aaron for his efforts. I would wiggle my way in for a hug too. Those first couple weeks, I call the hugging weeks. My dad hugged us more in those few weeks than he did in the entire year before. I guess he wanted to make sure we knew we were loved. Or maybe he wanted to make sure he was loved. He would gather me in his large hairy arms and squeeze, the entire time, his body was shaking with sobs.

He did his best to hide his sorrow, but I could feel it. Gail always said I had a gift for feeling the emotions people were trying to hide. Like that day when she said “goodbye” it stunk with smell of finality. I have always held that goodbye against her. Why couldn’t she be honest? Why couldn’t she be brave? Instead, she hid behind our hopes and then destroyed them like a coward.

Gail was always self-absorbed, more into her characters than the flesh and blood in front of her. Images of my mother include her in sweats and reading glasses, slouched over her computer periodically yelling at my brother and I to keep it down. She suffered from chronic headaches and unbridled narcissism. On occasion we would have one-on-one time with Gail which was never as pleasant as it sounds. If she was feeling social, she would sit us down and go into a diatribe of how spoiled and selfish we were. No, she never spanked me or my brother. She didn’t care enough. Father did the discipling and the nurturing.

Dad, unlike Gail, was always there; every PTA meeting, birthday party, Aaron’s football games and my dance recitals. At my recitals he would sit in the front, a full mustache trying its best to obstruct a smile so large that in my little girl mind, there was nothing that could stop my father from being proud of me.  Gail would come to recitals too as dance was my mother’s favorite thing about me.

“One day I’ll write a book” she would say, “and I’ll show the world what a beautiful dancer you are”.

I used to be excited to be a part of my mother’s world, Gail’s world. If I could just be interesting enough, good enough to write about then I could snuggle with my mother in the written word. But she would never let me get that close and only ever smiled at me when I was dancing.

After she left, I almost quit dancing. I didn’t want to do anything that would make her happy.

“What makes you happy Audrey? Does dancing make you happy?” Dad asked.

“I love to dance” I replied my little voice barely above a whisper. When I’m dancing, the world goes away, I am in the movements, telling a story, lost in another universe.

“Then you just dance. Do it for yourself. Do it because you love it” he opened his arms for a hug and I melted into him.   

After a few weeks, Dad had gotten a system down. In fact, he was doing well without Gail. We all were. Sure, somewhere in my heart I missed my mother, but I also resented her for leaving. I wrapped myself in my resentment like armor. I threw myself literally and figuratively into dancing.

*** 

The morning cut into him obliterating his image into a mere dark speck within an omnipotent glow of light.  The small beach was glazed blue-gray with the final breaths of night as Audrey squatted next to the fire boiling water for tea.  She watched him sprinting up the beach as she placed two porcelain cups onto the sand.  Nick bent down to kiss her, water droplets from his morning swim falling onto her hands.

            “You look beautiful”

            “And water’s dripping all over me” she said playfully as she pulled him down to her.

            “It’s so peaceful out here, I almost don’t want to go back” said Nick.

            Audrey looked out across the bay to where the land seemed to fall into the sea.  The high rise buildings and cinder colored smoke was almost imperceptible at this hour.  The endless line of rush-hour cars seemed like glinting prisms atop long asphalt plains in the smoky sfumato of the morning air and her lover’s voice.  Everything looked better albeit heavily shrouded in bleary mysticism when she was with Nick.      

            “What if we just left?”  His eyes grew wide and excited, “We could leave the company, move to some other place, some small town by the beach.  We could have a small house, one of those that have the shower next to the kitchen sink.”  He chuckled.  “We wouldn’t have to worry about traffic only the little squirrels that might be hauling nuts to and fro.  We could grow watermelons as big as yoga exercise balls.  We wouldn’t need anyone.  No more bills or late night rehearsals.  No more trying to make enough so that we can survive an ugly town that only thinks the company is “mediocre at best”.  Only thinks we’re mediocre at best.  Audrey, we could do that.  We could break away”.

            Audrey looked lovingly at him.  He would never leave the city and she would never leave dancing.  The thought of living with Nick alone and subsisting off their own crops was a romantic idea.  It was a beautiful fantasy; one of many Nick had painted on the snow white walls of her mind.  At twenty two Audrey taught her head to ignore these dreams of grandiose and unimaginable bliss.  And, as it is always the way with the young and naïve, at twenty two Audrey’s heart became more and more infatuated and entangled in his verbal poetry.

            “There’s really only one problem” she said with tight happy smile.

            “And what’s that?”

            “I don’t know where on earth we are going to find real estate that is both on the beach and has squirrels scurrying to and fro.  Besides, I don’t really like watermelon.  In fact, watermelon that size is a bit scary.”

            They both laughed. 

            “But the kitchen sink/shower thing doesn’t bother you?”

            “No just the watermelons”.

            “Could you pass me the sugar?”

            Audrey reached into the small picnic basket and pulled out several packets of Splenda. 

            “Splenda?” he questioned squinching up his nose.

            “What’s wrong with Splenda?” she asked.

            “Well the name for one.  And well, I mean, sugar is just so much better”.

            “Well it’s Splenda or nothing”

            “Fine, fine I’ll take two”.  He shook the packets into his tea.  “You know, I was serious about that moving thing.  In fact, I think it’s about time we start looking for another place”.

            “Why?  The apartment we have now is cheap and it’s close to the dance studio.  We have decent neighbors”.

            “I’m tired of living in that shit hole.  Sorry to say it.  But Audrey, we deserve better than that.  I’m thinking about leaving the company”.  He took a big sip of tea, “I mean I’m certainly not one of the top guys anymore, not after all these other commitments”.

            “What other commitments?”  Audrey nervously asked.

            “You know, just making things work out.  Being there for loved ones and I’m just having a bad season I guess”.

            “Taking care of me?  Is that what you’re implying?  That because you’re in a relationship you’re not able to be your best anymore?”

            “No” he quickly answered.  “It has nothing to do with you.  I mean it does, but not in a bad sense.  I’ve wanted to leave the company for a while and it wasn’t until you that I felt brave enough to do it.  I want to devote more time to us.  I want to move up in the world.  I want to drive a car that has people turning their heads and be able to buy nice looking things when I want to.  I want to get what I want, when I want it”.  He smiled to himself and took another sip of tea.

            “You’re confusing me Nick.  What is it you want?  First you said you wanted to live in solitude on a beach with squirrels and frightening large watermelons, now you want Ferraris and penthouses and a high-brow life style.  Am I missing something?”

            “I want all of that I guess.  I dunno.  All I know is that I don’t think the company is where I should be.  I want to be with you.  I want to get out of the dumps.  I don’t want to be “mediocre” anymore”.

        “Well if you truly don’t want to dance anymore you shouldn’t.  But babe, you can’t go around thinking that what one toothpick thin, balding, hooked nose critic said about the company’s last performance can be applied to you.  You’re wonderful and a great dancer.  I know things have been tough and Mitch hasn’t really been giving you the parts you deserve, but trust me it will all get better.  As for our life, I love it.  I don’t need a fancy apartment or a house on the beach.  All I need is this.  This” she said kissing him.   

***

 

“Audrey!” said the woman closing her laptop.  “I feared you had been killed off by rabid ermines” she chuckled, “beastly creatures”.

Audrey looked at her, impressed that she remembered her name, “The company’s got the annual Nutcracker coming.  It’s been madness”

“Ah I see.  I sure missed you.  Nick’s pieces are doing really well.  But I’m sure you know that”  The woman steeped her tea bag.  “Nick’s been an absolute brute about keeping me updated on the wedding.  Tell me how’s the planning coming?  If you need any help, don’t hesitate.  I’m here for you”.

This sentiment almost made Audrey barf. 

Audrey looked down into her coffee then back up into the woman’s eyes.  Something flashed wildly in them.  She had to have known.  But how?  Moreover, why would she pretend not to know?

“We broke up two weeks ago Gail” said Audrey accentuating the ‘g’ in Gail with a sneer.  “There was never any planning for a wedding”.

Gail pretended to be shocked. “Oh Audrey” she said in scolding tone, “what happened this time?”

“Nothing. That’s precisely the point. Besides I’m not giving you any material to use in your next little bit. I came to tell you the wedding has been cancelled so you can go on with your life and I will go on with mine.”

“Little bit? Audrey, these pieces change people’s lives. You should be grateful that I would include you in that.”

Audrey scoffed, “You’re unbelievable. That’s all you got from what I said. Well let me spell it out a little more clearly Gail” again the hard ‘g’. “I don’t want to see you or talk with you and I don’t want you using my life for your writerly gain. I wanted a mother. Someone that wants to know how I’m doing with no other agenda. Is that so much to ask?”

“Oh Audrey, don’t be so dramatic, it never looked good on you darling. I know you’re upset with Nick but that’s no reason to lash out at me. I love you” the words felt hollow like the space inside a tube.

“I really have to run” said Audrey as she reached for her to go cup.

“Ok dear. I understand. I’m having a reading next Thursday and the Page Turner, 9 pm if you can make it.”

“Will I be in it?” said Audrey caustically.

“Well of course. You are me and therefore are in everything I write” said Gail with a big smile feeling completely pleased with herself.

“I can’t imagine you had much to write about since you spent so little time with me” fired Audrey.

“Not back to that are we Audrey. This one has been so overplayed”

Audrey huffed and grabbed her cup. 

 ***

 

            She wasn’t all that worried.  She was always the healthy one.  She took care of her body, didn’t smoke, didn’t drink excessively.  Her family had a long history of excellent health most living well into their late eighties and nineties.  So she didn’t worry.

            “Miss Barns” called the receptionist.  Audrey put down her magazine and followed the receptionist into a waiting room.  As was customary for doctors visits, Audrey waited in the tiny examination room for what felt like hours.  She sat on the examining table and having looked around briefly and reading all the posters on the wall, she laid down.  But everytime she closed her eyes she would hear walking and thinking it might be the doctor she would open them and prepare herself to get up.  Finally she gave up on opening her eyes and stayed peacefully at rest on the table.  The door creaked open, but Audrey hadn’t noticed.

            “Miss Barns?” said the older gentleman.

            She bolted up and extending a long slender arm replied, “Doctor Harmen”.

            “I hope I didn’t keep you waiting too long”.  The sincerity in this statement was all lost to Audrey for she could not seem to believe that doctors were truly sorry about keeping you waiting.  If they were truly repentant you wouldn’t be waiting hours for a short visit.  She was already aggravated, having to come down to the office and missing half a practice all so he could tell her nothing was wrong and send her on her way. 

            “Well as you know, we ran a multitude of tests and”.  Get on with it said Audrey’s twitching leg.

            “I’m afraid we’ve found several tumors. We will have to biopsy to see if its cancerous”.  The words seemed to come out slow, like time expanded and no matter how fast she tried to cover her ears, the words had sliced in. For a moment she thought surely she was in a play.  That her character was afflicted, but she, Audrey Barns would remain.  She, Audrey Barns, with her family’s health history and her excellent physical condition, couldn’t possibly have breast cancer.  She saw herself surrounded by rose pedals, deep red rose petals and a bright light as the darkness applauded.  It was a lovely performance, and while her character had expired on stage she was there when the curtain lifted to receive roses by her adorning fans.  She saw herself bending down to scoop up some rose pedals, but suddenly her cupped hands were full of deep red blood.  Blood pouring out of her right breast. 

            “Miss Barns” he said taking her arm because she looked like she was going to faint.  “Miss Barns the good news is it could still be benign”.  But this supposed assuring comment did not make her feel any better.  She could very likely, have cancer.

            “Now there is always a risk of some of these things spreading, but luckily you caught it pretty early”.

            “What’s going to happen to me?” she asked meekly.

            “Well, we are going to have to remove your right breast, because the tumor is quite large, we don’t want to risk not getting all of it”.

***

Audrey walked slowly from the doctor’s office, mindful of every step. She had never thought of her life being limited like this. Was it cancer? And if so, what was she going to do? She would have to remove her right breast, she instinctively touched it at the thought. Then imagining the tumor was some kind of explosive, quickly pulled her hand away.

She wanted to tell Nick but she couldn’t get the words out. It didn’t seem real. She was 28 years young, her career was taking off, she had a man that she loved and would probably marry and she had future children she hoped to meet.

She thought about the chemotherapy and how sick she was going to get. Would she be able to dance? Would she be too weak to do a pirouette? She shook her head again, “Focus. One step at a time”.

She clenched her fists and furrowed her brow. Anger seeped warmly throughout her body. Her mind  raced and the faster her thoughts went the more angry she became. Why her? Why now? The rage welled inside of her and adrenalin spread throughout her limbs and chest.

“Fuck!” she said suddenly, and tears began to form in her eyes. She held her anger tightly then leaned back and let it consume her. She opened and closed her fists. She wasn’t even walking in the right direction. But it didn’t matter as long as she was moving, breathing, alive.

She rounded the corner and stopped outside a small coffee shop. She caught her reflection in the glass. Her face was red and her fists were white. She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. Anger wasn’t going to protect her this time and she knew it. She looked into her reflection and said to herself, “I can beat this. If anyone can beat this, I can beat this. Sorry Dad” she chuckled, “but I’m not quite ready to meet you in heaven”.

And with that, she dialed Nick and proceeded to tell him about her doctor’s visit. 

***

 

Commerciality consumed the small coffee shop.  The cups had printed on them duplicated Zen sayings and where made from an earthy paper, not because it was better for the environment but because environmental concern—a sort of wilderness sheek—was all the rage.  Meghann stepped inside and stood in the absurdly long line.  Upper-middle-class white men and women rattled off orders to the sharp adolescents behind the counter.  As if ordering an important tonic one women requested a single shot mocha cappuccino, with non-fat milk and no foam, 12 ounces but put into a 16 ounce to go cup so as to have room for cream, with an extra shot of hazelnut syrup.  Meghann looked down at her watch; she couldn’t believe that she had yet again forgotten her coffee this morning. 

When it was time for the women in front of her to order there was a large commotion.  The tan young women, whose cropped feathered hair interrupted the intriguing tattoo of a tiger poking out of the back of her tshirt, was slow to order. Meghann watched her shoulder blades which were drawn down her back and her muscles flowing freely under her skin like waves. 

“What’s your coffee of the day?” asked the tiger woman.

Without saying a word the employee rolled her eyes and with a loud sigh pointed her finger up toward the sign behind her.  The woman shifted her weight so that it was balanced between both feet and her stance was exaggeratedly erect. 

“Oh I’m sorry,” she said caustically.

“Our coffees of the day are on the ‘coffee of the day’ board." said the barista in a bored tone. "I was just pointing it out to you”.

The woman was silent. She must have been giving the girl quite the stare because her tone quickly changed to be much more polite. 

“What could I get for you?” she managed her face red with chagrin.

“I’ll have your regular coffee, the Italian Roast, 16 ounce, no room for cream” she pushed her body over the counter slightly into the girl’s space.  There was something combative about this beautiful woman, a disfiguring mark on her countenance, a violent rhythm in her muscles, something powerful and admiral yet bitter and disparaged.  She was at once unshakable and rooted, and then fractured, splintered. 

As Meghann walked out to her car she noticed the same women sitting on the cement block in front of her parked car.  She looked distressed as she dialed slowly on her cell phone.  Meghann made her way to her car but then thought again and completely out of character Meghann approached the body. 

“I don’t mean to intrude, but are you alright?”

The woman looked up at Meghann whose long blonde hair was not yet confined to its tight bun, her large briefcase making her look like a little girl dressed up for Halloween. 

“My car won’t start.  Blasted battery” she replied dismayed and chuckled at her state.

“Could I help you jump start it?”

The woman released her squint, tight eyes opened as she for the first in a long time looked at someone. 

“If it wouldn’t be too much trouble”

“Of course it wouldn’t.  I’ll bring it around the front”

The dilapidated jeep looked especially pitiful when connected to the muscle of Meghann’s BMW.  The two women stood out the sun as their arms laced through the movements of the other, entwined, became tangled as they tried to untangle the jumbled cables.  Once connected the energy sparked through the cables.  The jeep moaned with the effort while the BMW purred politely.  Final after several tries the jeep’s engine wailed as it awoke. 

Audrey began to unhook the cables, “I’m sorry but I don’t believe I got your name”

“Meghann and yours is?”

“Audrey”.  The two shook hands.  “I really appreciate you offering to help me.  Thank you again.  I hope I didn’t put you out, make you late or anything”.

It was a good thing that Meghann was always early.

“No, I’m actually going to be right on time”.

“Look” said Audrey as she fumbled in her purse, “I’d really appreciate it if you would allow me to buy you coffee the next time.  Do you come here every morning?”

“No, not everyday, but close.  The coffee isn’t all that wonderful, but I come for the customer service”. 

Audrey chuckled.  “That’s great.  So is tomorrow same time okay?”

“Sure”

Meghann got into her car and drove away rather quickly.  She turned on the air conditioning and flipped on a Dave Matthews, “Crash Into Me” started playing. 

 

***

 

            “I bet you were an ‘A’ student all through high school right?”

            “That’s not true!” said Meghann her pursed smile indicating flattery.

            “What?  Did you get like one ‘B’ or something?”

            “Two”

            “Yeah?  In what?” Audrey playfully questioned.

            “Well one was in French and the other was Ceramics” she started to laugh, “I remember one time in Ceramics class, I was sitting at the wheel and I didn’t properly fasten my clay so when I started it, the heavy mass just took off and almost decapitated a boy in my class”

            Audrey started laughing.

            “It’s a good thing it didn’t or else I’d probably be the one in therapy!”

            “You need to be in therapy!” joshed Audrey.

            “Oh yeah?”

            “Yeah”

            A young man in faded jeans and snoopy t-shirt came up to their table.  “Excuse me, I don’t mean to interrupt but are you Audrey Barns?”

            “Yes” said Audrey and with a new found arrogance smiled as she put her hand out into the air for the young fellow to kiss.

            “I thought it was you” he said taking her hand and shaking it roughly.  Meghann let out a small chuckle then realizing that she had made some noise went back to moving her lettuce about on her plate.

            “You were the lead in that ballet” he was struggling for the name.  “What was it called?”

            “Swan Lake?”

            “No”

            “Romeo and Juliet?”

            “Umm…No”

            “La Bayadere?”

            “No don’t think so”

            “Are you sure it wasn’t any of those?” questioned Audrey in slight irritation.

            “No I think it was something a little less tragic and had aliens, big bird and took place in Bangladesh I believe”

            “Mork and Mindy meet Big Bird in Bangladesh?” said Meghann excitedly.

            “Yeah, that’s the one!” he looked over to Meghann for the first time and his voice grew soft, “Thank you” he said sincerely. 

            “Welcome” she replied and went back to shuffling her lettuce. 

            Audrey’s face was visibly red, whether it was from anger or embarrassment one couldn’t really say.

            “I absolutely loved it!  I think you should have received more credit.  It must be hard to fall that much and not hurt yourself”.

            “It is a skill” said Audrey sarcastically.  “So you’re a slapstick comedy guy?”

            “On the contrary.  I’ve just always been a fan of yours and I was tickled pink when I could actually afford to go to one of your shows”

            Could this lunch get any worse thought Audrey.  “Well I’m glad you enjoyed it.  But if you don’t mind we were in the middle of lunch”.

            “Sure of course” then he looked at Meghann, “pardon me”.

            Once he was out of earshot Audrey sneered, “The nerve of that guy!”

“I thought he was rather nice.  He was only complementing you”

            “Complementing me?  He came up to me in public to comment on the worst ballet I have ever been in.  He might just as well have pooped in my hand fore it was the same as saying falling takes talent”

            “Oh eat your crab you old crab”

            Audrey viciously tore open her biscuit to butter it.

            “I still thought it was sweet”

            “Sweet as a needle to the balloon of my self esteem”

***

 

The party would officially begin at 8 pm but Audrey playing it cool as usual wouldn’t be there until 10.  Audrey walked around naked in her kitchen, her soft feet sticking to the cool linoleum.  Led Zeppelin blasted from the living room as she pulled some organic lotion from the refrigerator.  Unlike most people, Audrey rather enjoyed the feeling of cold body butter.  Stepping into her bedroom with bright satins hanging from the ceiling mimicking clouds, down comforter spread out messily over her small bed on the floor, Audrey contemplated her outfit.  One of her walls, the one opposite her bed, was composed entirely of mirror panels.  She drew out a pair of worn jeans with tares that exposed the glinting tantalizing skin under them.  Without bothering with underwear she slipped them on and examined herself in the wall of mirrors.  She sprayed her stomach with a nearly empty bottle of Chanel and put on her modified black bra.  She dawned a red satin blouse whose appearance suggested a red ribbon draped about Audrey’s taught, firm form.  Led Zeppelin gave into Macy Gray.  Her eye lids lightly brushed with gold and her lips a sultry pink, Audrey gelled her hair into spontaneous wisps radiating from the side and back of her head.  She brushed her teeth for a good five minutes and then flossed…twice.  She threw some gum in her mouth and chose a pair of stylish shoes.

 *** 

            The phone rang.  Assuming it was David, Audrey paused her pilates tape and answered the phone a bit breathlessly.

            “Hello?”

            “Hello,” came a soft voice, “May I speak with Audrey?”

            “Speaking.  Who is this?”

            “Oh hello.  This is Meghann” the voice said nervously, “Meghann Vardern.  We had coffee once about a month ago”

            “Meghann!” said Audrey delightedly.  “I was wondering when you were going to call”

            “Oh sorry I’ve been pretty busy” said the voice guiltily.

            “Yeah.  I can understand that.” said Audrey with a chuckle.  “So what can I do for you?”

            “Well I feel so foolish”

            “Why?” asked Audrey puzzled.

            “Well I just wanted to ask you.  I know we only had coffee once, but well I wanted to see you would like to go out to dinner?”

            “Dinner?” Audrey replied surprised.

            “Yes, Greg and I were going to the Crystal Chatteau and I thought since you were so nice to invite me to coffee that one time, that perhaps you and a friend would like to join us.  Or you could come by yourself.  Whichever you would like.”

            “What day would this be?”

            “The 11^th of this month at 8pm”

            “Let me check my schedule” she glanced over at her calendar that was cramped with scribbled obligations and dates.  Josh was on the 11^th, not to mention a very important audition.  The audition would be in the morning though, and having thought this all out she answered, “Yes I would love to come.  So the Crystal Chatteau at 8pm, Josh and I will be there”.

            “Great!  That’s really great.  So I’ll see you this Friday”.

            “This Friday”

            “Good-evening Audrey”
            “Bye Meg”.

***

Who are you beautiful stranger? Typically so stiff and upright and yet so yielding when we touch. Who are you? I've never seen a woman as beautiful as you. Somehow you make everything light. You warm the darkness in me. It feels both pleasant and painful. You pull me like gravity. What am I doing? What am I thinking? 

I took you skating, it was your first time and it showed. But you were so cute trying desperately to cling to your balance. I'm starting to notice that I'm noticing everything about you, like I want every piece of you. I'm cataloguing your smiles and facial expressions and I play them on repeat when I can't sleep at night. I look forward to my days, trying to find some excuse to call you. We talk every night now. Is that normal? It feels right. I can't even say what we talk about, we just do, so effortlessly. The excitement I feel in the pauses between your words is new and scary. The rush is addicting.

I want to see you all the time. In my waking and in my dreams. I feel lost and yet so completely focused. Are you feeling any of this? Have I fallen into another doomed romantic fantasy? And yet, the kiss, oh that kiss! My lips still burn and I draw my fingers across them harkening back the memory. How could a kiss make me lose all sense? And what did she feel? 

***  

We stopped by my apartment to pick up my coat. In my rush and excitement to meet Meghann for our walk, I completely forgot to grab a coat. It was late October and a cold snap hit the city. Meghann looked beautiful as always with coral earrings a fitted black pea coat and black ballet flats.