Meghann

 Meghann was beautiful in her own light. She had waist length brown hair bordering on blonde that she almost always had wrapped up into a tight bun. She slicked back any loose hair with mousse. Her nose, her favorite feature, was small and ski sloped. Her hazel eyes were shy under striking brown eyebrows. She had good posture, a habit she picked up from years in gymnastics. She had a distinctly feminine glow about her, a natural beauty and elegance that exuded from her being. Make no mistake, Meghann was raised tough. The youngest of four, Meghann wrestled with her older brothers growing up and they didn't take it easy on her. 

Meghann grew up in a traditional household. Both of her parents were teachers and highly valued their children's education. Both of Meghann's brother's enlisted in the Army at 18. Meghann went directly into college to study clinical psychology. 

 

***

 

“It’s really nice of you but you don’t need to walk me to my car”.

“You never know people these days.”  Greg shoved his hands back into his pockets.  “Hey I know it’s sort of late, but I was wondering if you wanted to grab a bite to eat?” he looked up at Meghann, who, catching his eyes, diverted her own to the ground.  “Or maybe we could stop for some coffee or something”.

“Thank you, but I’m not very interested in coffee” she said kicking aside a pebble.  Taking the scurrying pebble scurry as a sign Greg brought his gaze back to the ground.

“But I’m interested in other things” Meghann said under her breath.

“What was that?”

Not knowing what to say, she blurted, “I like coco” her face becoming red with chagrin.  “I like all sorts of hot chocolates, the ones with the big marshmallows and certainly the ones with the small marshmallows.  I don’t care about size” she flinched with the accidental connotation of such a statement.  “That is, a marshmallow is a marshmallow and I like chocolate.  I also like coco with different flavorings in it” her pace greatly increased by this point, so that Greg had to jog to keep up.  “So hot chocolate is what I’m interested in.  I guess because it is both hot and…chocolately”.  She could believe she said “chocolately”.  It wasn’t even a word!  She felt like rewinding, leaving behind Meghann and becoming someone cool and collected, Angelina Jolie maybe. 

The two stood in front of her car, Meghann flushed as Greg stood with a big grin on his face. 

“Well maybe, if you would like, I could take you out for some hot chocolate”

Meghann fiddled in her bag for the key, “Sure”.  Having found it she looked up into Greg’s sapphire blue eyes, “goodnight Greg”.

“Goodnight to you Meghann Vardern” he smiled and waved an ungloved hand to her.

 

***

 

Stepping into her apartment Meghann felt relieved, the excitement of her walk home had nearly sent her into cardiac arrest.  The apartment was immaculate.  The sofas covered with plastic protectors, the wooden floors without scuffs, the remote controls to the television and DVD player, the VCR and the surround sound stereo system all on a corner table lined up tallest to shortest.  The CDs arranged in alphabetical order and the kitchen spotless.

The lock on the back of the gold-colored door handle clicked out.  Two shiny black heels stepped onto the white carpet.  Out slipped nylon covered toes—pebbles wrapped in silk—and the young woman walked toward the kitchen.  She flicked on the coffee machine and it groaned with effort, dripping a black liquid.  Meghann turned on the stereo and Dave Matthews pervaded the room, the coffee maker creating a discordant back beat, followed shortly by a rush of water.  The bathroom was the mark of elegance with a deep white tub and gold trim.  It was everything that Meghann had wanted in life and love—beauty, elegance, purity and a holder? to match her own.  How could a woman be content with only a tub?  It was like asking why wombats don’t knit sweaters, it is unanswerable question. 

Meghann perfumed in bath salts and dressed in a loose white satin night gown sat on the plastic covered couch.  Dave Matthews fell to Sade and so Meghann sat, alone, with an oversized coffee mug clutched with both hands.

 

 

***

 

            Several employees gather by the water jug ended on either side with a cheap plastic plants whose leaves were so covered with dust that it was difficult to notice that it was truly made of plastic.

            “So, do you think you’ll make it to the Christmas party this year?” asked Jasmine an older, yet well dressed woman who specializes in child psychotherapy.

            “Are you kidding?  Oh course I’ll be there.  Jassy have I ever missing an office party?”

            The woman smiled.  Then turning to the slender young woman who had quietly crept over to the jug to retrieve some water, “Meghann, do you plan on coming to the Christmas party?”

            “We’ll see” said the young woman disinterested. 

            “Why don’t you bring someone this time?  I’ve noticed how lonely you looked the last time” whispered Jasmine as she took hold of Meghann’s elbow.

            Meghann smiled politely and turned to walk back to her office. 

            “Won’t you join us for lunch?”  shouted Lizzy the receptionist.

            “I wish I could, but I have much too much to get done.  Thank you though”.

            Shannon, a sharp tongued and unhappy mother of four, quipped, “She’s always so busy.  I don’t understand why you always ask.  Just because she’s got a PhD doesn’t mean that you have to kiss her feet”.

            Albeit hurt and upset Meghann proceeded into her office and closed the door.  She sat down in her large chair that seemed to consume her body like a pair of plush black lips encircling a grain of rice. 

***

“Wow!  That’s beautiful!  So you’re in love with a dancer.”

“Well ‘love’ is a very strong word”

“Oh you can’t lie to me Meghann”  Malia smiled and scooted her chair closer and leaned in, preparing herself for the name.

“It was one cup of coffee”

“Yeah it was” said Malia playfully.

“No I mean it.  Nothing else happened.” Her smile dropped, “I probably won’t see that person again”

“You do realize that you’ve been talking about this one cup of coffee for about an hour now?  You can’t tell me that this guy didn’t make you skirm”  Malia nudged her, “What’s his name?”

***

Despite her best efforts, Meghann could not get the dinner with Audrey off of her mind. Greg was a gracious date as was customary for his personality. Meghann tried her best to focus on anything other than how absolutely beautiful Audrey was. The women’s frames matched each other both slim and muscled, each disciplined and rigid in her own way. And of course, Meghann allowed her mind to wander, each so very soft and tender in her own way.

 

At night Meghann’s mind rests with Audrey while her body rests with Greg. They had broken up three months ago but hadn’t stopped sleeping together. It was complicated and Meghann squeezes her eyes shut trying to shake the truth. Her next conscious thought is, unsurprisingly about Audrey. “I just want to laugh with her, she’s fun. We could be friends” she thinks. “This couldn’t be anything more than a childish crush” she assured herself, one she would get over after spending more time with Audrey. Meghann turned over and tried to sleep. Coffee? A run? What was she going to suggest and why? Wouldn’t it look weird? “One car jump and a cup of coffee later and now you’re hounding this poor woman” she thought.

 

Saddened but resolute, Meghann shuts her eyes and waits for the morning to come. She’ll go down to the coffee shop and maybe she’ll bump into Audrey, if not, no big deal, she’ll still enjoy her coffee. Greg will be happy to sleep in and she’ll bring one for him too. Nothing weird about that, she closes her eyes once more. “What am I going to wear?” she thinks and her eyes snap open. “What would Audrey like?” she thinks then physically shakes her head, “What would Audrey like? Why do you care? Stop being weird Meghann”!

 

The next morning Meghann has settled on a loose pair of jeans, sneakers and fitted white cotton t-shirt. Casual. This was casual. She didn’t even know if she’d see Audrey, this would be up to the fates. She was cool. Casual. As her heart raced she kept repeating to herself, cool. Casual. Cool. Casual. The line was long as usual and Meghann made a quick scan of the shop to see if she could see Audrey. She wasn’t there. “Oh well, I’m happy to get some good coffee anyway” she thought.

“A large café latte with half and half and a large Americano triple shot please” Meghann ordered. “Oh and that blueberry scone”. Greg would love that she thought. As Meghann approached the door she heard a familiar voice.

“Meghann!” when she turned around she found Audrey stunning as ever. She wore running shorts and a fitted black tank top that hugged her every curve. Her smile was bright and friendly. She had perfect teeth Meghann thought, she would make beautiful babies. Meghann nearly dropped her coffees at her internal monologue. She was still speechless standing in front of Audrey. Audrey kindly took up the conversation.

“Do you need help with that?” she said reaching for the scone nearly falling out of Meghann’s hands.

“Oh thank you”

“How have you been?” asked Audrey.

“Good. Good. And you?”

“Eh, you know. Life. Would love to tell you about it sometime”

“Why don’t you tell me about it now” Meghann blurted out without thinking.

Audrey laughed a little, “Well, you got two cups so I’m assuming someone is waiting on you.”

“No one is waiting for me” she blurted out again. Dammit Meghann keep it together. What is wrong with you?

Audrey looked skeptical then pleased. “Sure, if you got a moment it would be nice to catch up”.

The two women sat at a table in the coffee shop. “Why two cups if there’s no one waiting for you?” asked Audrey

Meghann blushed, “Couldn’t decide what I wanted” and I still can’t she mumbled to herself.

“What did you order?”

“Café latte with half and half and an Americano. Are you interested?”

“Oh I’m definitely interested” Audrey said her tone sultry and suggestive.

Meghann felt her words go right to her center. She blushed again and shook her head.

“Which would you prefer?” she asked politely.

“Which do you?” Audrey said cryptically.

“Ok you’re making me feel like I’m in Alice in Wonderland or something with all the riddles”

“What riddles?” Audrey said slyly. Meghann smiled and gave her the ‘come on you know what you’re doing look’. Audrey stared deep into Meghann’s crystal blue eyes. Meghann looked away.

“Fine, I want the Americano” said Meghann.

“Good, I wanted the cream” said Audrey from just over the lip of her cup.

“What’s been up?” Meghann asked casually.

“Well I’ve been working my ass off on a new modern project. There’s so many young and talented dancers that it’s impossible for my ego to flourish” she said with a large grin. “Its fun and it’s still dance. I’m too…” she hesitates, “I’m just too…for ballet right now. I’m not the image they’re looking for. They want perfect and I’m less than”

“You’re gorgeous” Meghann blurts out in too much of a volume. Audrey laughs and blushes, then her eyebrows furrow, “How’s what’s his name, Greg?”

“He’s good, he’s good. We’re separated, but he’s good. And I’m good, so it’s all good” Meghann chuckled in embarrassment at her sudden lack of a vocabulary.

“That’s good” says Audrey with a laugh

“And how’s Josh?”

“Josh?” Audrey searches her mental rolodex. She can’t remember a Josh but it doesn’t matter because she’s alone now, “Oh right Josh, yeah we split. All good” she laughed. “Yeah I’m just enjoying doing me for a while” hearing how that sounded Audrey blushed, “You know what I mean”

“I do. I’m flying solo too and the view is nice” said Meghann, focusing on the coffee that was now on the lips of this tantalizing stranger.

“So no dating for you. Enjoying the solo ride eh?” Audrey smiled and Meghann melted. Trying not to show her cards she replied, “Definitely. I need some time to myself. I’ve been sketching a little. It’s been fun”

“What do you sketch?” Audrey asked.

“Anything really, a lot of my cat Milo. He’s my main and only man at the moment. But I’m totally happy with that”

“I’m glad for you. You know I was just thinking about trying out the new ice rink. I think the fanfare has died down a little so it shouldn’t be so crowded. I was thinking of going this weekend if you’d be interested?” she looked pleading, like she was showing Meghann something precious, showing that she actually cared.

“I can’t skate. I never learned how. It seems fun though.”

“I can teach you” Audrey said. Meghann imagined Audrey’s athletic frame wrapped around hers leading her backwards on the ice. She imagined feeling Audrey’s finger tips embrace her ribs and even maybe by happy accident graze her breast. These thoughts were so embarrassing that Meghann kept her coffee cup close to her face to hide the blushing.

“That would be nice. Yes, I’ll join you”

“Good. It’s a proper date then.”

 

***

 

The parking lot at the ice rink was about half full. I found an empty spot next to Audrey’s Jeep. I somehow memorized her car, along with every outfit I’d seen her in. I walked in gripping a new set of skates I bought just for this occasion. Greg didn’t understand why I, who actually feared skating, would suddenly buy skates and go to the rink. I didn’t explain because I didn’t have to anymore. It was precisely when he was questioning the purchase of my new skates that I told him it was completely over. No more sleep overs. Strictly friends and strictly colleagues.

 

Although I didn’t want to admit it, I had moved on from Greg a while ago. I was only sleeping with him to be nice if there is such a thing. There was never any magic, no spark, no butterflies. But walking into this skating rink I felt tingly with excitement and anxiety. It was cold but my hands were sweaty, and my legs were wobbly. I kept thinking of the moment I would see her smile at me, a smile I was sure was special for me. A smile that said she wanted to know me, know the intricacies of my days, a smile that made me feel both at ease and completely fired up. My emotions teeter tottered between excitement and fear. What if what I felt was different than what she felt. What if I was on a completely different page? What page was I on anyway? I didn’t even know. All I knew is I didn’t want to see anyone more in my entire life than I wanted to see Audrey. Maybe I had a little crush but soon we would be skating as friends and all this awkwardness would be over.

 

I spotted Audrey immediately. Standing on the ice she leaned against the wall of the rink talking to a group of women in hockey uniforms. Her slender frame was strong and elegant, there was no doubt she was born to dance. Her short hair tussled when she laughed and she laughed often it was one of the things I found so charming about her. Her fitted jeans accentuated her lean figure and a loose long sleeve t shirt extended down past her waist. She was perfect. Just as I was thinking that she turned around and her face lit up. Something about seeing someone be as excited about you as you are about them makes you feel, well, loved or at the very least beloved. I better not get ahead of myself as my headlong dives into love have usually proven disastrous. I waved and she skated over to my side of the rink.

“Hi” she said breathlessly as if she was at a loss for words.

“Hi” I said smiling and looking down at my feet. I could feel Audrey’s eyes all over me, devouring me and suddenly I wondered if I put enough thought into my outfit. But when I looked up and saw the raw desire in Audrey’s eyes I knew, my outfit was working perfectly fine.

“Can I help you with your skates” she asked not looking away from my eyes.

“I think I can manage. Thank you.”

 

She led me by the hand onto the ice. That was the first time we touched. I was so hot I’m surprised I didn’t melt the ice beneath me. My body felt like it never felt before, pins and needles and sheer elation with the touch. It was as if I had been craving something forever, something to make me feel whole and suddenly this beautiful woman with a tiger tattoo makes me feel absolutely delightful. She takes my other hand in hers and skates backwards pulling me forward to her. Our fingers interlace and I start to imagine we are dancing, just the two us in some flirtatious waltz. Her body glides effortlessly on the ice and attached to her I am floating. Her body is strong and skilled as she holds me through the spins. She pulls me close and I can feel the heat of her skin next to mine. I’m in a trance, so utterly wrapped up in this moment I don’t feel my feet. They are moving without me, moving to the undulations of this woman I barely know, but a woman that I don’t seem to want to separate from. 

 

“You did well out there. Really getting the hang of it. I hope you had fun”

“I really did. You know I was always afraid to skate because I didn’t want to fall” I said. But I don’t mind falling with you I thought.

“But you handled the fall like a champ” she said play hitting me in the arm.

“Thanks” I said hitting her back in her shoulder. She grabbed my fist gently and opened up my fingers with hers. She sat there holding my hand for a few seconds and then as I hoped, as I dreamed and as I wouldn’t admit I wanted to myself, she leaned in and kissed me. It was a gentle, tender and polite kiss, a kiss prince charming would give sleeping beauty to wake her from her slumber. And awaken I was!

“This was fun” she said, shaking off the kiss. I was shocked.

“I…” I mumbled. She leaned in again and kissed me longer. Then she snapped back.

“I like you. And I think you like me too. And maybe we should do this again?” she asked same pleading look as before.

“I…” still couldn’t get anything out.

“I’d like to apologize, I’m way too rash”

“No, no you’re not. I’m just slow with words. I…” I exhale. “I’m confused.”

Audrey looked to the floor, then she laughed, “I’m always confused, so you’re in good company”

“But” I said leaning in to touch her face and sweep a piece of bangs from her eyes, before I knew it I was kissing her again. Long and hard and hungry. I pulled away as soon as my conscious mind could catch up. “But I want to do this again” I said hurriedly

“Skate?” she said earnestly.

“If that’s what we’re going to call it” I said through a shy smile.

 

I spoke with Audrey every night on the telephone. It was a ritual that I loved. She’d call around 9 and we’d chat anywhere from 15 minutes to hours depending upon how each of our days were going. I grew very fond of her and anxiously awaited her phone calls. Its true we spent more time on the phone than I did talking with anyone else. I really enjoyed speaking with her and sharing all my days worries with someone.

 Late night phone conversations turned into dinner reservations, which eventually led to tonight. 

***

I had a dream where I followed a butterfly with my eyes.  So bright and free, so enchanting, entrancing.  I thought to capture her when she landed and enjoy her colors—close.  But she kept dashing away, had captured me—close.  I thought to give it up but every time I relaxed my muscles she came teasingly near.  I reached out, and again and again she flew away.

I became angry then desperately I ran after her.  I swatted hoping to get a piece if not the entire thing.  I slammed around like a kid with a hammer at the whack-a-mole machine.  I would tear her wing if I had to.  As I ran and ran, the butterfly laced through the air, following the currents like paint brushed across a canvas.  She danced in front of me doing repetitive curtsies on the wind.  Who thought a butterfly could be so cruel?  I lunged out at her, my hand encircling her body.  I squeezed tight.  Color dripped down my arm, her head twitched a moment between my forefinger and middle finger.  Wet, sticky paint dripped down my arm.  I opened my hand and examined the reminisce of the creature inside.  Like wet paper her body had stained my palm—clotted bits of color. 

Suddenly you see.  You were so blind with jealousy and distrust.  Now you see.  You think that perhaps maybe you could glue the wing back on.  Perhaps you could piece the thorax and head together in harmony how it was before you had demolished it.  Perhaps you could fix it and tell her you were so, so, sorry. 

            She was so beautiful and all you wanted was to touch her, love her, keep her.  It was the mistake of a lifetime.  Your fingers laced with a fine dust, butterfly color spilt on your palms.  You grope for the fragments that break into smaller and smaller pieces receding like memories.  Memories are falling away, and the wind sweeps up the pieces from your greedy little palms Her color is evaporating and you inhale deeply trying to catch whatever it is that is drifting away.  All that’s left is memory of the memories. 

            Suddenly you realize.  You were so wrong.  Now you understand.  The butterfly would have returned if you didn’t decide to keep it. When I open my hand again, I see Audrey’s face. I wake up sweating and in a panic.