ship-log 1

I hear music in the clack clack of keys
i'm writing this publically because i'm re-introducing
or perhaps returning
from a journey
in a land of many splendid things
a land of waterfalls and beauty
and deep dark secrets of
need. 
welcome me. 
I welcome me.

we are strangers to ourselves
you and me, me and me, this you outside of me
that I have for so long held beneath deck,
in some deep sea trench
because it didn't fit. 
and now i'm feeling quite alone
having severed my surrogate self
that I had at some unreality believed
to be an intricate, important, essential, intimate, intrinsic self. 
but this was really you. 
you not me.  you.

the world is not ending though I think sometimes that perhaps it all unravels at 27.  how silly.  how very 27 of me. 

there is so much to the story,
so many lessons, lessons to lasso letting go. 
how do you hold onto the letting go? 
go away from me
but stay always. 
it's a jar without a lid trying to preserve something transient.

she looks at the coffee cup you gave her for Christmas.  It feels out of place here on her desk.  It should be on some wooden table over looking a forest of snow covered pines.  she sees into the future, snow covered pines, she sees you in a coffee cup with snow covered pines, the lines of you metaphoric because you are a memory.  a memory.  a permanent piece of ceramic incarnation, a tale of love and woe.  a tale of sorrow and such sweet harmony, such sweet honey and milk and sugar and caffeine, a feverish, fiery, glowing revelry.  

The truth is I'm mourning.  Yes, mourning.  I miss me.  More than I miss you.  That's a truth.  That's a truth.  Where is my mooring?  Where is my morning star?  I know I left it here somewhere.    

duration: my coffee is gone.  duration: i must walk along to work.  to work and walk and talk some words that mean nothing to me really.  but i get along, along like the crunch, crunch of snow underfoot.  i have to learn to write again.  the muscles are weak with disuse.  faccid.  tired.  the coffee barely lingers behind my eyes, not even a smokey reminence that it ever existed. 

swim

i've been living quite within myself.  wading in the pleasure centers in my brain, between fiction and non-fiction.  i see the waves coming towards me.  i'm in a low, squat beach chair, my rear end centimeters from the sand.  i'm watching whales and you.  both mysterious and guarded, beautiful and incomprehensible.  i catch a tail sinking back into the deep.  i make up what the body must look like.  make it up from images i've seen on tv and drawings in books.  it is, i proclaim, a whale.  and so it will be from now into the future as i have recorded it, as i have named it, as i have laid claim and tightened down on it.  forever, this story in my head. 

i've sent out a message on the rolling seas.  whales.  and so many things.  bigger than me. 

(it feels good to clack, clack on the keys again.  i warn myself to not make any grandiose statements such as, "i'm back, i'm writing again".  writing doesn't like being called.  writing is the most beautiful of dancers that really doesn't want the audience until it's performance is complete and the images and phrases are echoes left by feet already treading upon new landscapes.

it's tuesday morning.  my breakfast consists of peanut butter toast and coffee.)

the waves peak like so many hungry mouths, all sky bound, all reaching for a distant star with their wants and dreams.  i see reflected in these open chasms, the shouts of so many thoughts carried from distant shores, rolling along, one self affirming message after another, all proclaiming, "I am here!"  and so we are, remarkably here.  i walk to the water's edge and attempt to catch a falling wave, to cup the water softly to my ear, to hear it's cry, to know the news from some other time zone.  but water drains quickly from my eager palms.  i scoop and scoop like a child playing and each hand full falls away from me.  i am bid to immerse myself.  immerse myself in the hollering of the world.  i walk back to my beach chair and watch whales.  the water's too rough to swim.

i send out a message with the tide.  there are so many things i don't understand.  i look up at the clouds, mouth open and eyes closed: why. 

nonsensical lines. the writing practice.

I have been on a wondrous voyage that has kept me from writing to you.  Now I find myself stricken by some sad common illness and my prancing about has come to a halt.  As it should, for now is the time to recount the months since your last letter.  Erving has been a doll, having three pups of his own to care for he has somehow found space in his heart and room on his financial teat to support me.  I’ve met a young man named Clyde and while I don’t much like the male species and quite truthfully am disgusted by testicles, Clyde and Erving have shown me that not all males are created equal.  Ah, but perhaps I’m jumping ahead.  Such a little field mouse I am.  Let me start at the beginning of things.

                I came to these dreary neck of the woods to do one thing: find the elixir of life.  Yes how very common place you might say, how very prosaic but I have never been one for imagination and rather merely find myself the owner of a body in a body of recycled tales.  That was of course until I met a peculiar mushroom named “Wang-Fun”.  Fear not, I did not consume this little fellow as you might assume because how else would I deduce a name such as “Wang-Fun” but truthfully it was written as plainly as I write to you.  These letters, “Wang-Fun” were painted on a little sign beside the most blue of objects.  Fearful of anything foreign, especially Asian, I thought not to approach Wang-Fun.  And yet there was a certain draw, a certain need even to converse with this strange little creature.  I did as any sane mouse would and logged down the details of Wang-Fun’s location and returned to my office to mull over my peculiar stirrings.  As I sat upon my rubble mound called “thinking chair” I pondered.  Clyde was soon about and questioning me with his one good eye.  I try not to stare directly at him because I think he feels inadequate having only one eye.  Mostly however, I fear his blue, blue eye is too big, and deep and infinite for a small mind like me.  I only came for the elixir of life not the purpose of it. 

“What now you be pondering?” he asked gruffly

“A blue mushroom called Wang-Fun”

“Wang-Fun at the bottom of the hill?  Wang-Fun blue radiant?”

“Yes”

“Hrm” he responded and laid himself down by my feet.  He started licking his paws.

“You know anything about him?”
“Everything”

I waited for him to elaborate but Clyde had clearly finished talking.  I prodded him, “What is everything?”

Clyde rolled his one eye, “You expect me to tell that to you in just one lifetime?  You’ve got a lot of patience to grow” he chuckled.

“I can’t get that mushroom off my mind”

“Join the club”

“What is it about Wang-Fun that makes me want to know him?”

“What is it about anything that makes us want to know everything?”

Clyde was getting heavy again.  I didn’t like when he got all heady, I felt out of my league, 10000 below.  A drowned mouse at the bottom of a milk bucket.

 

2012 In a Blogshell

I feel as if I have some explaining to do.  It's been so long since my last post and even I am a little uncertain  of whether or not I can materialize sentences.  I'll try to explain a little, and I'll try very hard to make sense.  2012 in a blogshell

January:  Spent New Years eve with my grandparents drinking screw drivers on their balcony in Kaumana city while fireworks took off from coconut island in downtown Hilo.  It was a magical moment and i thought of how many new years they had brought in together and how many new years they had seen separately and i wondered how many new years i was going to see and who i was going to spend those years with.  went on a fishing trip with my parents, a private charter out of kailua kona.  dad caught a 200 plus pound marlin.  he was so happy; i haven't seen him so happy in a while.  Work lumbered along as usual.  i was still having difficulty with my co-leader but i tried to keep my head up.  the entire NRO (natural resource office) will be re-locating into nicer, newer buildings.  begin prepping buildings, cleaning, sanding, painting.

February:  writing and biking consume most of my time.  i'm thinking about graduate school but i haven't worked out what i want to go for.  i sign up for an online class as a perk from my employer.  at first i really enjoy it--gender and communication-- and i work really hard on the assignments.  it feels good to be working my mind in this manner once again.  going to the hilo public library alot.  checking out music and books.  getting into my writing.  met an intriguing female graduate student.

March:  Spend dad's birthday with him.  still writing.  still thinking about graduate school.  Trying to make it through work.  it seems to be getting a little worse some days, a little better on others.  getting closer with one of my co-worker.  one of my closest friends at work gets fired.  i feel lost and without an ally.  I hit the front gate at work with one of the work trucks, leaving one of the biggest dents ever seen.  i feel really bad.  co-workers get together to plan a few beers after work to make me feel better.  budding romance?

April:  My birthday.  my parents take me to the Hilton where we spend the night and enjoy all the beauty of being pampered.  I'm a lucky kid.  Friend at work buys me a kickstand for my bike which was very thoughtful.  i am slowly getting friends at work and am able to make it through the hardships of my own crew.  Still writing and i have decided that i want to go to school for journalism.  every time work gets me down, i try to remember that it is all temporary and soon i'll be on my way to a new adventure. 

May:  make a year at PTA.  can't believe i've been there that long.  things are a little better as i am gaining a strong ally at work and finally the higher-ups are seeing my co-leader for who he is.  one of the botanists that i was be-friending quits.  have a going away party for her.  feeling are brought to light under a bright KTA store entrance sign.  biking in volcano and biking at south point. the first time i have ever been to south point. 

June:  begin work on installing furniture in new buildings.  long days but good company.  installers from California come over.  working on graduate school applications.  narrowing down my choices to U of OR, U of MT and U of CO.  a little less time writing as most of my attention is on my new "special" friend.  bike mana road.  what a blast!

July:  ink drawing birthday gift and strawberry shortcake.  lovely.  work is better though another favorite friend of mine quits.  i miss her terribly.  installing continues and the buildings are getting closer to being ready. camp at kiholo.  first time since i was a little kid.  love it and have a blast with my new partner in crime. 

August:  parents move and i help them.  i like their new place.  still working on graduate school applications.  lots of fun adventures in between--hiking and biking.  also stay at a hotel and have a lovely dinner at the blue dragon.  i am very happy.  one crew leader is out on worker's comp and the other is on vacation.  i am the sole crew leader and must run both crews.  i do a good job and things begin to turn around for me.  i feel respect from the crew. 

September:  Mom's birthday :)  and a trip to Maui.  very cool.  a little fuss over some late night partying but all in all a good time.  longest competition to date.  also dad gets surgery.  he comes out of it well and is walking around within hours of getting up.  mom and i enjoy a nice room that overlooks downtown oahu.  i get the employee of the month award and things are much better at work.  help build a big rock wall planter box.  it looks wonderful and also plant an herb garden.  

October:  some hardships.  a strain that has been getting more and more tense erupts in a snap.  it's over.  trust is broken.  i feel a little lost.  join a yoga class and seek out others to hang out with.  get lots of work done on the graduate school applications in the meantime. 

November:  my car breaks down and will cost too much to repair.  with the help of my dad i sell it to a mechanic and start looking for a new one.  i get a black VW beetle and i love it!  also camping trip with girls from work.  kiholo is beautiful, the trip is so much fun and i am so, so happy.  kayaking everyday and snorkeling.  BEAUTIFUL!  thanksgiving!  just the girls and papa this year.  it is very nice and we have lots of fun goofing around.  took ma to the artists' walk in volcano for her birthday.  lots of beautiful artwork.  she got a few pieces.  accidentally dropped some of her birthday money on the ground but luckily someone turned it in and we were able to pick it up.  Finish up my applications and await letters of recommendation to come in.  a rotten egg within our department at work is finally let go.  the program runs much smoother without him. 

December:  Marni visits me from New Hampshire.  we have a WONDERFUL week and a half together doing just about everything.  Stay at Hapuna cabins and snorkel, swim, tan and walk on the beach at night.  beautiful rising moon between tall palm trees.  volcano hiking and the tide pools at kapoho.  also hiking at pololu valley and kayaking around bayfront.  so much fun.  amanda comes to visit and volleyball on the beach and frisbee too.  christmas with the parents and also with my dear.  a very good end to the year. 

home

rest my head upon your chest
temple-heart
mine, yours.
feels like home-

less, i've been
temple-aches
with far away dreams
when i had a home
in you.

separation part I

The mark you left on my breast is fading,

this territory has been abandoned.
How long will you be gone? 
Forever.

The mark on myself is indelible, permanent, fixed.

skin is more resilient than the mind.
How long will you be here?
Forever.