narwhals and birches

soon it'll all be gone and i'll be sitting in this chair rubbing my knees wondering where it went.  that's how it goes, the months, the years, the times you thought, for better or worse, would last forever.  soon i'll be an old maid and the image won't be nearly as frightening as it first appeared to me in my twenties.  i'll sit back and take in the birches with a steaming cup of coffee.  some things never change.  coffee and me and the birch trees that is. 

i try to remind myself that this moment will be like no other ever again.  it is unique, unimaginable, surreal even in its transitory nature.  but isn't it easy to get caught up in the living, get caught up in trying to delineate a particular place for each experience, each memory?  i am tired.  and i want to sleep.  but i'll be missing the unique moments that were set before me like gods on Disney holiday.  who would want to miss that?

i sip my coffee and let my mind tilt toward the birches.  feel the bark under my hot hands and savor what i think will be a beautiful future.

i'm on an adventure.  going someplace new.  i hope to unearth myself.  and in this hope i've discovered little pricks of self doubt and destructive constructions surfacing like long forgotten narwhals, narwhals that pierce skin and expose inside secrets. 

there must be something done with the deleterious parts of oneself.  i rack my mind trying to understand why i behave in the ways that i do.  laid on a bed and talked to a shrink.  she doesn't have a degree but she is my friend and perhaps that makes her better qualified.  what is this talk of narwhals and birches?

i am walking through the forest.  the birch trees have lost their leaves.  there is snow on the ground but i'm warm, wearing nothing more than an oversized t-shirt.  pegged into the trees like gigantic darts are narwhals.  one waves a flipper at me and smiles.  her smile reminds me those destructive parts of self will always remain.  sometimes hidden, sometimes crashing through the ocean of me, but always, always living.  and so i'm led to the next question, what do i do with these thoughts of narwhals and birches?  what do i do with me?