wake up call

i flick on a light. i was almost asleep. "hello?" there is a voice on the other end saying "hello" but i do not recognize it. i know who it should be, but something, no everything has changed. i float over to my bed and collapse. i am shaking under the covers. when did it get so cold?

there is much to do in this conversation, much that needs to be said. i have been rehearsing for days, but suddenly, i have forgotten my lines. i want to cut the bullshit, the social niceties and get down to what went wrong and where and why. but i must not be rough, the connection is loose, a thin band of radio waves coursing through the air.

i start with the first question, "how are you?" "good, how are you doing?" "alright". none of that is true, but this is a culture of vague beginnings, a language that eschews candor. there is silence. there is everything to say. my teeth are chattering so vigorously that i can't seem to open my mouth long enough to speak before they clamp back down on themselves. i am shaking in my bed; i am so cold.

i look to floor, maybe that's where my blood has gone, my courage swirling about in it, like flecks of tin foil. i am asked a question, but i was not paying attention. i'm trying to find my nerve. "home" i say through timid teeth, "i am home". who am i talking to? surely this is not you, someone has stolen your voice. ursela is that you? i'm turning blue.

i am blue. and black. my heart shrinks back away from my chest and attempts to hide behind my spine. somewhere you think i am attacking you with the tone of my voice, i am just skeptical of who is on the other end. your words are coarse and you sound rough, cacophonous melody beating against my ear. "what is with the third degree?" i say. "i have my hands up, right now, i have my hands up. i have no weapons, i repeat, i. have. no. weapons. i just want to talk. trust me". there is silence but it is loud and i know, in that moment, i've reached you.

but the silence does not last. you are talking at me again and i can't understand a word you are saying. i know that message though, it comes in loud and clear. "i have little tolerance for you, leave me alone". i tell you, "wow, this doesn't feel real. i feel cold. i am not awake, i am not awake". you reply, "wake up! wake up!"

i have built a palace for us in my dreams. i have destroyed any dissonance that could mar my perfect world. i have polished and shined my favorite memories and kept them on a beautiful, crystal shelf. "wake up! wake up!" i shiver. everything shatters into white, flecks of crystal and diamond fill the air, cover my floor.

i am letting go, little by little. it is hard and i know i will never fully let you go. there will always be a perfect violet, deep purple under a light blue sky. a perfect violet on my heart, where you've been. i am letting go, little by little.