rambling, mumbled morning thoughts

it's the day after the day of too much activity. i don't say the name; i'd rather not acknowledge it. already, things are different. i think about my life and all the stories i tell on a regular basis, stories i dish out with the same reverance and regularity as one would offer tea to a guest. i am always thinking, though, i'm always thinking that i should write these things down, write them down, bind them and try to make a place for myself in the writing world.

but i'm timid, afraid to start, afraid to pour everything out for fear that the source will not be replenished and i would have, very irresponsibly, dried out at the age of 23. the number, 23, doesn't even seem real. it's as if it is some belief lingering out in space, fluid and meaningless. i haven't felt 23 in all my months of being 23. i don't even know what that means.

i'm mumbling now. telling some story about the unbelievability of the number 23 and perhaps suggesting that we skip it all together. would anyone notice? what if i went from 22 to 26? ah, but this is the musings of a young girl, you say. no one past 40 would want to jump ahead. but that's not the point i'm making. i'm not even thinking of the years as real, i'm not attaching them to life and therefore the slow (0r not so slow, depending) coming of death. no, i'm just saying the look and sound and feel of 23 is confusing to me. i don't get it.

we spent last night (to resume a more linear tone) watching videos i made for my parents. they were films from kodiak and NH with a bit of my graduation thrown in. it was the strangest thing really. i felt like i was on the outside, looking into my life. i really liked the main character, this breana girl. she seemed really nice and she was having some pretty amazing adventures.

lately i've been feeling a little beaten down. not having a job of course makes things tough. but it's really difficult being around certain negative people (person) that makes you feel that you are of little worth. i just hope i don't start believing it. that would be the death of me. but as i was watching the videos, i saw just how cool my life truly has been. sure, it's tough right now, but i've endured some pretty difficult times. so, i'm looking forward to what life has in store for me...

for now, i'm going to keep writing, keep trying to take all these stories and put them down. most of my stories are really good, i believe this. they interest people and make them laugh, i just need to write it. i know this. i must discipline myself. it's always the hardest thing, making yourself write things but sometimes i wonder if anyone is going to care to read it. but the truth is i'll never know if someone will want to read it, if i never write it eh?

so now for a break...then i'll attempt to write SOMETHING