to be good

things move despite your call for stillness. my writing is a labyrinth, confusing, circling, misunderstood and nervous...like me. but where does any of this go? or am i supposed to be content with the moment, to enjoy simply the following of one thing after another. my spine opens up and i feel bare backed. i don't feel very protected at all, rather, i feel very much split open, all manner of energies running into me and having their way with my body. there is so much to say and i say so much, so much, so much nothing. distractions are blissful in a way until the night comes and you realize that everything you thought disappeared, in fact, didn't go away. but perhaps that's how life is, you know, you think that things will resolve and leave you, except there is no tabla rasa. every mark is permenant. good and bad. every scar remains a scar. there is no disappearing, there is no getting rid of, there is only acceptance. the choice is to see some marks more accutely than others. the choice, the choice is to let some things remain, to take precedence, to be entire, and the choice is to banish others into corners. the power comes from knowing all these marks intimately, the scroll of your life, to know that you will never take another breath without them and that you are forever changed in every moment.

but this acceptabce doesn't come easily or quickly. you rub yourself raw trying to delete those things that you don't like. you will do it over and over again, knowing the whole time that you're as Sisyphus, forever pushing a rock up an ever growing hill. you go on this way because there is hope, the human's one flaw and fortune, hope. you hope this time will be different, this time the rock will stay and you'll crawl out of the pit, wipe the sweat from your brow and call it a day. we all want to be perfect and to borrow more characters, we want to live the idealic life of adam and eve. we don't want anything to mar our perfect world. we are hardwired to want perfection because it's this illusion that drives us, forever and ever. drives us to save us. to be good, to know the perfection of things, to be good, to live forever in such an ideal. to take every opportunity you were ever given and make the most of it, to be good, to be good.