i am a victim of sub-par, inadequate, sub-optimal, dysfunctional, disenchanting, disheartening, deceptive, public transportation. i am here to tell my painful story in hopes that i can save others from the heart-breaking realization that public transportation may neither be for the public nor actually transport you anywhere.
part I
my story begins about two weeks ago. i was staying at my grandparents and decided to catch the hele-on bus to waimea and then eventually to hawi to work for my friend's parents. it was a muggy friday afternoon in downtown hilo. i was hauling a better portion of my belongings in my large, made for alpine mountaineering, backpacking pack, just in case a sudden shift in the earth's plates would tear the island asunder leaving me on the north side for an extended period of time. (note: one should always prepare for changes in weather)
the bus terminal was under some construction and the black, metal benches were sprayed white. a middle aged white woman (more commonly known as a haole) was stapling pieces of paper to the large caution tape barricade around the benches. i don't know what possessed me to talk with this woman, perhaps it was the heat and the heavy load on my back that interrupted blood flow to my brain, thus, just like booze, made me a little more social. maybe it was the excitement of going somewhere or maybe it was the fact that she was stapling a "caution: wet paint" sign every foot along a line that already had the word "CAUTION" in big, black, block letters. i mean, i think it was fairly obvious these benches were recently painted and i think, in my humble opinion, that if you didn't get the message from the big caution tape and the sign 12 inches away from the one you were now reading, well you were a lost cause, and we all might as well let you lick the paint. go ahead Lenny, it'll make you feel better.
"repainting the benches eh?"
"yes, we are. it's a part of the East Hawaii beautification project"
i look around at all the litter lining the bus terminal, the pock marked roads erupting with grassy fissures and beyond that the haze of dilapidated buildings lining the bay.
"oh, i see, are they going to be white?" i sure hope not, those whites won't last a week with the killer hilo mold.
"no, no that's just primer paint. the board (of the East Hawaii beautification project) wanted to see a little more color"
"oh, that's interesting. what are you going to paint them? rainbow or something?" i laugh. i think it's a pretty good idea actually.
"no, they're going to be blue, um, dark blue. except the feet, the feet are going to stay the original black"
i stare at her. she has to be kidding. you want more color and so you go from black to dark blue? that's like saying a room needs more light and then lighting a match, or like saying we need to improve road infrastructure and then sweeping the sidewalk, or promising public transportation whose information and selective schedule is more private than public. ah, but i'm getting ahead of myself. back to the woman
"are you looking to catch the bus?"
halt! one more digression, because this sort of pointless questioning becomes a pattern throughout this sad tale and it should be properly addressed now. let's examine the question posed above. this woman wants to know if i'm trying to catch the bus. now, i would think, and again this is just my humble opinion, that my appearance might suggest that i am looking to catch the bus. first, i'm wearing a bag big enough to stuff a body in so clearly i'm not just out on the town for a shopping and recreational trip. second, i'm hanging out at the bus terminal, even with the beautification improvements, the bus terminal is not exactly a tourist destination or even a place most people would leisurely pass hours of the day loitering around in. and third, black to dark blue? are you serious?
"yeah, i'm waiting for the 11:15 bus to Waimea"
"oh, the buses aren't running today"
"what?"
"yeah, it's a holiday. Prince Kuhio Day..." (note: the schedule online said NOTHING about Prince Kuhio Day and buses not running), "...but there's a Jack's Tours bus going through Waimea leaving from that parking lot over there at 11:15 that you might be able to catch"
i look down at my watch, 11:10. "thanks" i say, cinch my straps down tight on my waist and make my first run for the bus. (note: running down the streets in hot hilo town with a bag the size of Kilimanjaro is no easy or sweat-free task and i would not recommend attempting it even if you have good knees because the bus is bound to be crowded and you are bound to stink much more than any other being on that bus... guaranteed).
part II
i make it into waimea and am able to catch a ride over with my friend's mom to hawi. i stay a week (note: packing a large bag does come in handy sometimes).
friday rolls around again and i decide to try and make it back over to the east side before the weekend since the weekend bus schedule is a complete popularity contest based on nothing besides what time of day SEEMS to be the best. the bus leaves Hawi at 6:50 am but that doesn't really mean anything when it comes to the hele-on bus, Hawaiian time is the ONLY time and so one should block out a good 10 to 15 minutes on either side of the departure time. so it's 6:45 in the morning and me and the Quasimodo sized hump i'm carrying on my back are walking toward town hoping to flag the bus as it passes.
6:55am and i'm still walking, and no bus. 7:00am, bus-less, 7:10, bust. i call my parents and tell them i think i missed the bus.
"oh, today's a holiday i think" mom says.
"what? another one? do people even work anymore?! what holiday is it?"
"good friday"
oh great! good for whom? i call the bus company and get their voicemail. i'm not sure but i think it said something to the affect of, "sorry suckah, should have guessed that we would take every possible chance to cruise. have a good friday, cause we sure are. latahs"
part III
i'm back in hilo and i'm heading to north kohala again. my grandfather drops me off at the bus terminal and i sit on the lovely black and blue benches. it's 11:00am and i'm waiting to catch the 11:15 bus. i've written the entire schedule down and have it safely tucked in my pocket. there are lots of people in the terminal which is a promising sign and should i have to make some crazy dash for the bus, i've only got a small backpack.
i look over at a local woman sitting next to me. she looks nice enough and she's got that tired, mindless stare that seems to suggest that she's ridden the bus before and not only has she ridden it before, she's been such a regular user that she could do the entire thing with her eyes closed. in other words, i think i can trust her.
i lean over and ask her, "so the bus going to Waimea picks up here?" she briskly nods as if this question were as silly as asking if the world is round. "the bus leaving at 11:15?" i ask, just to be cautious, a sort of verbal double-back technique, if you will. she looks at me somewhat irritated, "yeah, yeah, waimea bus, yeah"
i settle into the seat feeling pretty confident. a bus rolls up and on it's side the word "Pahoa" is written. the woman gets up and boards the bus. suddenly my confidence drains right out of me. somehow i think perhaps she's not as familiar with the northside schedule as i thought. (note: why don't people say what they mean, speak truthfully, and just admit when they don't know something?) i walk over to some high schoolers.
"do you know if the waimea bound bus picks up here?" i'm starting to feel like a lost little lama and i'm in that book, "is your mama, a lama?". the young boy looks up at me, "i don't know". Hallelujah! someone finally gives me some information i can use! i head into the bus office and ask the woman working for hele-on the same question.
"yeah, yeah, the bus to waimea picks up here"
i smile, feeling quite relieved, but then...
"why, you like go now?"
you see, i think, again my humble, humble opinion, a person would probably like to get on the bus leaving sooner rather than 2 hours later. but then again, someone might have things to do in town or may just enjoy hanging at the bus terminal, seems to me, this is a more popular activity than i first expected.
"yeah, i'm trying to get to the 11:15 bus"
"oooooohhhhh" she drags out this noise, which, now looking back on it, took up valuable seconds of my time, "ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh, the 11:15 bus, ooooooohhhhhhh, yeah that one leaves from the parking lot down the street".
of course it does. i look at my watch, 11:10, hrm, deja vu. and so i somehow picked the "special" bus, the rogue bus, the robin hood of buses, the maverick bus, the bus who hath not a terminal master!, the bus of unbridled independence! and so, i ran, down the streets of hilo for the second time, only this time i was a lot less sweaty. finally, bre: 1 point.
part IV
i get into waimea and have lunch with mom. she brought down my bike so i could put it on the bus and take it to north kohala. the nice thing about north kohala is you can bike most places. mom and i went online together to check out the schedule, we even printed out a copy. 3:25 pm the bus was to arrive in front of the cowboy statue in parker ranch shopping center and was to drop me off in kapaau at 5pm.
i waited in town for 2 1/2 hours. then at 3:15 i stood in front of the cowboy statue. there were lots of people there so i felt fairly confident. a bus going to downtown hilo took some people and then the waimea shuttle took the rest. i asked a young boy getting on the tiny bus if this was the shuttle, "yeah, the other bus is bigger" he said, looking at me like i was crazy.
3:25pm and there i stood, just me, my bike, the cowboy statue and two, old Philippino men. i could see the sun setting on this dusty town, rattle snakes going back into hiding, sage brush rolling like lost souls. i leaned up against my faithful stead and chewed on a long piece of prairie grass. i'd been traveling so long and hard, i forgot how good it was to take a rest, i'd come some 40 miles, riding along the spine of the pacific. i'd seen the ways of the modern world and their new-fangled paint jobs trying to cover-up and change the old ways, i've been lied to and misled, i've been spoken to in tongues i didn't understand. and now, the sun sinking down over these hills and soft breeze in my ear tells me, that this cowgirl's ride is through, this is the end of the line, i tip my helmet in a final salute to the sunset and to the hele-on bus i'm pretty sure is heading to kohala and just made it's stop on the complete other side of street in front of the large cowboy boot...
except that's not true, well the part about the bus stopping (note: fastest stop i've ever seen a bus make. in fact, i'm pretty sure the driver actually kicked the people off) on the other side of the street was true, but me calmly accepting this, might be a bit of a fairytale.
"what the hell?! is that my...no, no, no, no, that bus didn't just...that's not right...it says kailua-kona...that couldn't the...but it has to be...what the hell?...i can't stand this bus company!...there's no way, no way!...the schedule says to be in front of this statue!"
i turned to the old men behind me. "does the bus going to hawi pick up here?"
"yeah, yeah, bus come here"
"yes, but does the bus to hawi come here?"
"yeah, yeah, hilo bus"
"no, no, the hawi bus, the bus to kohala?"
"hilo bus, yeah, yeah"
"not the hilo bus, the kohala bus"
"yeah, yeah, kohala bus come here"
i'm skeptical. "it's a big bus, supposed to be here 3:25"
"like that bus?" i turn to where he's pointing. there is a large hele-on bus leaving the parker ranch center. i think, is that the bus? even if that's the bus what am i supposed to do? run it down with my bike and bang on it's tires until it picks me up??
"yeah, like that bus" i call my mom. "hey. i missed the bus. apparently, the schedule is really just a show piece with no real valuable information. can you pick me up?"
public transportation. public. transportation. if you plan on taking the hele-on bus ANYWHERE, please make sure you have a family member employed by the company for a friend of a friend, because bus information is NOT public. second, just because they call it public transportation does not actually mean it's going to transport you anywhere. yes, the bus is free, but as they have always said, "there's no such thing as a free ride".
1 comment:
okay. me an my husband, we check dis out. laugh like hell. we nevah like go on da bus li'dat! tanks for nuttin, hele on! tanks bre, fo' dakine! we still laughing til we crying!
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