my future? a snickers bar?...i'm confused

i feel light, my body entire. i've been walking around with this sense of peace and goodness, like i'm trapped in a sunflower, except i'm not trapped at all, i am powerfully poised, i am humbly here. it's as if everything that is happening is because i will it. today, i was so entirely internal that i felt beyond myself, a sleepy wakefulness that resulted in an exalted hopefulness. my body is so extreme sometimes and so is my mind. the two of them, when they get together, float through this place so seemingly detached and yet so sure that they are connected to and are, in fact, part and parcel of everything.

sometimes i overwhelm myself with shoulds such as, what i SHOULD be writing, or what i SHOULD want from the day, what SHOULD happen and how and when. i get so shouldered up in shoulds that i can't breathe. does that happen to you?

i was thinking, if i write a book, perhaps a compilation of short stories, i would call it, the nuance of nonsense, or perhaps everyday nuances. i wonder if i'll ever meet Oprah, then i think, there will be so many generations to which Oprah means nothing. what next? sometimes i worry about getting old which is so silly considering i'm still quite young, and yet, i think, how is it going to feel to forget things? more importantly, how is it going to feel to forget and still have the knowledge that you've forgotten?

i can tell this will be one of those rambling sort of entries. it's 10 pm, and we all know how i feel about late night writing (it's a wonder i made it through college), but i said i would write something, can't just sit back and relax because you had a successful entry a few days ago.

i keep going over my "plans" in my head. yes, i've got plans though that may be difficult for some to imagine. i keep asking myself if this Virginia thing is the right move. it seems so foreign, so seemingly in spite of me. and yet, it seems inevitable. i was bound to work with high schoolers and i was just thinking a few months ago how i wanted to see Virginia. i am wary and weary, perhaps that is why i worry. it's funny, part of me wants to stay put, find a routine and revel in the familiar and another part of me says, "that's all fine and dandy but you still haven't found what you're looking for". it's like the chubby kid who just wants to sit in the shade and eat her Payday and the hyper kid who thinks there's an entire land of chocolate somewhere out there. i guess that's what these days are about, letting the chubby kid get her fill of family and the comforts of home before the hyper kid runs her ragged in the great world beyond. and the more i think about, the more excited i get. Virginia...wonder what i'll find, wonder what i'll see, wonder what i'll learn...