before work chatter

i've told myself to bring a camera, to document the many ways one can look at a mountain, the angle, the light, the texture of it all. but then i became overwhelmed by my own zealous desire to know the entirety of things.

i'm reminded of the Beatles song, "i've got to admit it's getting better, getting better all the time". i told myself i'll have to settle into this idea if life is ever going to be worth living again.

i walked into the house and something changed. i was thankful i was alive and that gratitude elevated my day to a status of goodness. it's all about perception see? your high school English teacher lectures you and geometry tries to prove it. i climb a mountain and i feel better. i float in the ocean and i feel better. i hug the ground with all my might and i feel better. all different types of perspective.

i wrote a story about a man completely misunderstood by those around him. he felt disconnected and alone save for the hands of his father-in-law. the man's name was greg. he had a pretty wife whose name escapes me. they were taking a photograph. greg's life was held by the tiniest thread of the old man's hands and his wife was completely unaware that at any moment greg could be lost. forever. with no possibility of finding his way back again.

it seems dramatic. but it's true. sometimes i feel our reality and our perceptions are that tenuous. it's a crazy power we have over ourselves and even crazier tendency to not know our own power.

i've been there, as i'm sure you have. keyed into one thing, locked onto one thing and only that one thing, that concrete entity keeps you from floating far far far away.

it's hard to explain unless your ripe for this sort of talk. morning. morning. good morning. the engine eats coffee quickly and spews foggy thoughts, new thoughts into the brisk blue grey sky. a bravery, a clarity, a four a.m. understanding of the world, the fragile shard of time before the chaos of other people start touching, start manipulating, start re-adjusting my perspective.

i am alone, walking down the side of a grassy hill. the dew soaks my pants. everything is wet and alive. sparrows sing. i gather myself with each step, pull myself in, button myself up, look like a respectable young woman and meet the town lights below. it's five a.m. now and it's time to go. time to join the chaos, touching, pushing, holding, feeling, growing, dying, human chaos.