i see the fire from here

i see the smoke from the top of this hill.  i'm hanging off the side of the cell phone tower.  hanging from sentences spoken and silences, few, but sharp silences, and a sensation that this was a mistake.  i watch the smoke billow from a fire i could have prevented.  but i'm no smokey.  i'm lonely. 

buzz, buzz, buzz, dive into the fire.  trembling lip and lock jaw.  what are you going to do now?  what are you going to say?  how do you cover your nakedness when you can't move anything but your eyes? blink, blink, blink, the fire is on fire.  and it's licking at your bones.  but it's warm see and you've longed for this warmth even if it's coming from fear.  what is affection but fear?  fear that you don't have enough of this so you gravitate to that. 

the night time is thick and you want to ask questions.  you want to get close but you don't know why.  and inside you feel like a bruised melon that has just been balled.  scooped out; you were overripe with too much trying.  push, push, push back into the fire.  you can't escape it.  you're drawn.  how does it go?  the moth to the...?  no, no, the human heart to the smack and slap of a cool mind.  a cool mind, a too cool mind but in your delusion you mistake the smoke coming from the dry ice for steam, for heat, for a warm, blood pumping place.  but this isn't the case see?

you must learn that this is not to be tolerated.  this buzz, buzz, buzz, this push, push, push, this cast, cast, cast will hurt you.  step away from the illusion.  build your own fire and nurture your chest, nurture it like the finest possession you'll ever have.  because it is, because it's yours.  because it's the only hope for future happiness.  don't burn it up in bad associations.  leap, leap, leap back into yourself with reckless abandon and start loving from there.