said the coffee pot to the tea pot

if you're going to drink a hot beverage in the morning, you better make it coffee. i don't want to see this tea drinking business. why? because it's a lie. a lie! a cunning skullduggery if i ever saw one. there is no way, NO WAY, that a pathetic, puny, pitiful bag of grass clippings is going to give you the kick you need to start your day. how do i know? i've seen handfuls of you hippie-Eastern chic-yuppie-do gooders trying to fool all those innocent souls thinking about quitting the best habit they've ever formed. i know you. you saunter into ahem, C-O-F-F-E-E shops and push up to the counter, then you spend forever picking out your fruity excuse for a beverage: "should i have the darjeeling orange spice, or the cranapple, or maybe the fresh picked lemon grass infused with violets and touch of get a freekin' life".

once you've decided on your lawn clippings, you get a special, individually packaged little bag that you then place in a cup of steaming hot water. and what a pretentious little bag it is with it's little square of paper fluttering in the wind beside your cup, a flag of your superiority. pressed between your fingers as you steep your tea, are the words of some Eastern master long-ago dead, who, had she/he been alive would have baulked at the insult of having her/his deepest thoughts commercialized and reprinted just so you could feel like you were in touch with the universal energy, that you had transcended above the anxious, caffeine junkies. maybe you'll put in some cream and honey to flavor your water, but regardless you will WAIT several minutes before taking your first sip. maybe it's too hot, or maybe you are practicing zen patience, either way you are making the rest of us look incredibally impatient and uptight. we grin at you through stained teeth, but what we really want is to tear you apart starting with that little flag dangling beside your cup.

you sip away on your hot water, i mean tea, and expect me to believe that you're ready to start your day? that's like going up to a car that won't start and whispering encouraging words to the engine, it's not going to work. you need jumper cables. you need something with caffeine and alot of it. you need to be able to get it and consume it quickly. you shouldn't have to spend the time thinking about what kind of coffee, you just take whatever the shop's got. this is america, you have places to go and things to do. you don't have time to sit and steep a tea bag, you need a main line right to your brain. coffee is like a high powered executive. it's sharp in its black suit, it's bold in taste and smell. you know when its around and it always leaves an impression, on your clothes, on your breath, on your teeth. coffee is good at what it does. tea is like the retarded cousin, a little light and leaving much to be desired.