i wrap you in metaphors

i put myself somewhere else. this seat feels better than any other...today.

i've been thinking about us. yes, us. i can't figure another way to understand it, all the everything that goes on between us, seemingly in spite of us, but at the same time, because the both of us create it. i can't figure another way to understand it, so i talk about it...alot. it's okay though cause i know you're not reading this. i don't say that in any sort of resentful way, rather this blog is like the empty chair technique--all the things i would say to you if i could, set out in front of you but not physically addressing you. you see, we should just have a written relationship, that way i could say everything that i wanted to say without fear of interuptions or inflections or interrogation. and you, well, you would have the same liberties. but you're a verbal boxer, an older and stronger one than i. i'm a fencer, words like the foil flicking close to your ear but never leaving a visible mark. we both have our strengths, i guess, none of which do us much good when the goal is to tear each other down.

i've come to the conclusion that i must be far-sighted. the doctors have always told me i'm near sighted, but the truth is, when i'm close to you i don't understand a damned, damned thing. but given some distance i'm able to breath empathy, i'm able to rub my eyes and see that there is a man to love in the monsterous shell, that there is something afraid and misunderstood, lashing out in frustration and impending loneliness. but who am i to shape you with my words into the mistaken heartless brute with the most fragile heart of all. distance perhaps is not clarity, but imagination set free roaming in dreams and expections and putting together a picture of how things ought to be. but the lover in me and the memory in me reminds me that this fire, this you is not evil. for as many times as it has burned me, it has warmed me. what i need to remember is to keep a healthy distance and a genuine respect for it's energy.

i wrap you in metaphors to try and understand you. perhaps this is silly, or childish. perhaps i am weakly forgetting the hurt you've caused me and the monster you harbor inside yourself. perhaps i'm too anxious to stay warm and drive headlong into the flame. i wrap you in metaphors to keep my angry mind from consuming you, gnawing ten thousand teeth and foaming at the mouth with pain and distrust. i could quickly banish you there, chew you until all i have left is a hard stone of hate to carry as my token of you. but i wrap you in metaphors, find things i like, no, i love about you. i remember all the good you are, even if that good has been in short supply in recent years.

when one asks what love is, i usually respond with the same gushy sentiments that can be given to first love--the feelings of elation, not wanting to be anywhere but in that persons arms, having your thoughts revolve around their being. and yet, i realize, and i don't say this lightly, but i love you too. if i didn't i wouldn't try to save you from my angry mind. i wouldn't bother looking at you from a distance and most importantly, i wouldn't see the goodness in you. this is a love not of elation or overwhelming joy, of feeling better about one's self or seeing the world with rose colored glasses. this is different kind of love. this is a love of appreciation, of saddness, of hope. this love sees the imperfections, knows the ugliness, and accepts it. this love has history and depth.

so to answer the question, can you love those that hurt you? yes, and you will love them, even when you think there's no possible way you could. you step back and see them, see their light, see the good.

i don't know what's happening to us. yes, us. but i do know that distance is a good thing. i don't want to say it to you because i think you'd think i was forgiving you. i haven't forgiven you. but i do love you. i still see you...

to be continued....